51 Craig Ferguson Quotes from Scottish-American Comedian

Craig Ferguson is a Scottish-American television host, comedian, writer, actor and producer.


Top 10 Craig Ferguson Quotes


When someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Tomorrow is your future’s yesterday. ~ Craig Ferguson.


I didn’t say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure. ~ Craig Ferguson.


I’m gonna enjoy being old I think I’ll be awesome at it. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Is it really that important? It’s just television, for God’s sake. It’s not medicine or something. ~ Craig Ferguson.


I try and live my life in bite-size chunks. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Maybe fear is God’s way of saying, “Pay attention, this could be fun. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Great Craig Ferguson Quotes


I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’ ~ Craig Ferguson.

In some countries Women’s Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women’s Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies. ~ Craig Ferguson.


I don’t drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it’s known in Mexico: ‘food.’ ~ Craig Ferguson.

Hilarious Craig Ferguson Quotes


Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn’t matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don’t know what that means, maybe you’re a little out of touch – or maybe you’re the governor of Arizona. ~ Craig Ferguson.

If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims. ~ Craig Ferguson.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets. ~ Craig Ferguson.


If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Humorous Craig Ferguson Quotes

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever. ~ Craig Ferguson.


The Universe is very, very big. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable. ~ Craig Ferguson.


I’m not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer – I’m a dragon irritator. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job. ~ Craig Ferguson.

There’s something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn’t all aromatherapy and scented candles. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Funny Craig Ferguson Quotes


I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving. ~ Craig Ferguson.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don’t stop, I’m going to die. ~ Craig Ferguson.


My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don’t. ~ Craig Ferguson.

I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Famous Craig Ferguson Quotes

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts. ~ Craig Ferguson.


World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall. ~ Craig Ferguson.

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave – a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas. ~ Craig Ferguson.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies. ~ Craig Ferguson.


Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys. ~ Craig Ferguson.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things – a bachelor’s degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator. ~ Craig Ferguson.

That’s here on CBS, where the ‘C’ stands for ‘Classy’ and the ‘BS’ speaks for itself. ~ Craig Ferguson.

Best Craig Ferguson Quotes

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized. ~ Craig Ferguson.

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke. ~ Craig Ferguson.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best. ~ Craig Ferguson.

There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on. ~ Craig Ferguson.

You gotta laugh because if you didn’t you’d cry. ~ Craig Ferguson.

I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn’t mean that at all. It means that you’re afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right. ~ Craig Ferguson.


If you don’t vote, you’re a moron. ~ Craig Ferguson.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear – we looked like marbles smugglers. ~ Craig Ferguson.

So these were the 51 top quotes about Craig Ferguson.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Bum Phillips quotes and Greg Maddux quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar