50 Lewis Grizzard Quotes from American Writer & Humorist

Lewis Grizzard was an American humorist and writer.

Lewis Grizzard was the master of Sothern humor.

Best Lewis Grizzard Quotes


There’s no such thing as being too Southern. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


I am convinced ginger ale can heal the sick and raise the dead. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


When my love comes back from the ladies’ room, will I be too old to care? ~ Lewis Grizzard.


I began a personal boycott of the Falcons and pro football in the late ’70s. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


I know lots of people that are educated far beyond their intelligence. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


Let’s all start walking more and driving less. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Famous Lewis Grizzard Quotes

Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a great deal. People are more sensitive today. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


Spring time is the land awakening. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’ ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I gave it up when Dandy Don left Monday Night Football when television replays were allowed to contradict the decisions of referees… ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I’ve been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, ‘Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Top Lewis Grizzard Quotes

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn’t love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I am not about to say that what I put in my body has nothing whatsoever to do with my health, but I suddenly am surrounded by a world of health experts, and it gets tiresome. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again? ~ Lewis Grizzard.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I learned the first rule about barbeque… you don’t put coleslaw in it. I think that’s in Deuteronomy somewhere. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Popular Lewis Grizzard Quotes

In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Real estate agents are God’s plague on mankind when locusts are out of season. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Great Lewis Grizzard Quotes

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

Chilli dawgs always bark at night. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes – and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide. ~ Lewis Grizzard.


On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

I stopped being interested in pro football when I looked around and Johnny Unitas with his high top black shoes was gone. ~ Lewis Grizzard.

So these were the 50 top Lewis Grizzard quotes and sayings.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Joseph Conrad quotes and Tony Evans quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar