90 Dennis Miller Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings

Dennis Miller is an American comedian known for his stint on Saturday Night Live (SNL) and his conservative political beliefs.

Born in 1953 in Pittsburgh, he grew up with his mother and showed an early interest in journalism.

He started his career with minor jobs and local TV shows before gaining popularity in stand-up comedy.

Miller joined SNL in 1985 and became renowned for hosting the “Weekend Update” segment.

Dennis Miller

Later, he had his shows and appeared in movies. In 2000, he became a commentator on Monday Night Football but was let go after ratings didn’t improve.

Miller’s conservative political stance became pronounced after the 9/11 attacks, aligning with Republicans.

However, by 2018, he expressed a desire to tone down his political humor. Some label him as the “aggrieved white alpha male” in political contexts.

I have listed below some of the most famous quotes of Dennis Miller.

Best Dennis Miller Quotes


If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion. ~ Dennis Miller.

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house. ~ Dennis Miller.

We are living in the era of the violent do-gooder. ~ Dennis Miller.


I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess. ~ Dennis Miller.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. ~ Dennis Miller.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out. ~ Dennis Miller.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan’s knee on souvenir pipe night. ~ Dennis Miller.

I’m actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I’m always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn’t take too much effort. ~ Dennis Miller.

A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you’ve probably made a serious vocational error. ~ Dennis Miller.

It’s foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis. ~ Dennis Miller.

There’s no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn’t get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh. ~ Dennis Miller.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel. ~ Dennis Miller.

Funny Dennis Miller Quotes

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.’ ~ Dennis Miller.

I like money. It’s fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer. ~ Dennis Miller.

I’m a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round. ~ Dennis Miller.

America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. ~ Dennis Miller.

Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time. ~ Dennis Miller.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. ~ Dennis Miller.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was. ~ Dennis Miller.

Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons. ~ Dennis Miller.

Hilarious Dennis Miller Quotes

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth. ~ Dennis Miller.

The Cowboy’s defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts. ~ Dennis Miller.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn’t be in this problem. ~ Dennis Miller.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R. ~ Dennis Miller.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks. ~ Dennis Miller.

I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right. ~ Dennis Miller.

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets! ~ Dennis Miller.

I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me. I’m just doing stand-up comedy. ~ Dennis Miller.

Is global warming new? I don’t know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot. ~ Dennis Miller.


I rant, therefore I am. ~ Dennis Miller.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same – we haven’t got anybody watching. ~ Dennis Miller.

We’ve got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It’s just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep. ~ Dennis Miller.

Funniest Dennis Miller Quotes

When you’re sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that’s a living hell. ~ Dennis Miller.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into the nursing home. ~ Dennis Miller.

It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity. ~ Dennis Miller.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. ~ Dennis Miller.

Detroit’s so bad this year they might lose their bye week. ~ Dennis Miller.

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time. ~ Dennis Miller.

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane. ~ Dennis Miller.

Humorous Dennis Miller Quotes

Women don’t like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. ~ Dennis Miller.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch. ~ Dennis Miller.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides? ~ Dennis Miller.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? ~ Dennis Miller.

You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. ~ Dennis Miller.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair? ~ Dennis Miller.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I’m getting screwed. ~ Dennis Miller.

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac. ~ Dennis Miller.

When your mother starts using the word “party” as a verb about her kid, that’s absolutely crazy. ~ Dennis Miller.

There’s no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years. ~ Dennis Miller.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron’s right to be that utterly, completely wrong. ~ Dennis Miller.

A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods. ~ Dennis Miller.

But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala’s last smile. ~ Dennis Miller.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can’t identify the victim. ~ Dennis Miller.

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it. ~ Dennis Miller.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted. ~ Dennis Miller.

Top Dennis Miller Quotes

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people – being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars. ~ Dennis Miller.

Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wrong. ~ Dennis Miller.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it. ~ Dennis Miller.

I am proof that Einstein’s “e equals m c squared” is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped. ~ Dennis Miller.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love. ~ Dennis Miller.


One man’s Voltaire is another man’s Screech. ~ Dennis Miller.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese. ~ Dennis Miller.

Growing up, my family wasn’t very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets… ~ Dennis Miller.

Famous Dennis Miller Quotes

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don’t. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in. ~ Dennis Miller.

Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don’t refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery – an involuntary response. ~ Dennis Miller.

The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop. ~ Dennis Miller.

It’s wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone. ~ Dennis Miller.

When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb. ~ Dennis Miller.

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won’t kill them. Quite frankly, there’s some religions out there, you bash and they’re going to kill you. ~ Dennis Miller.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled! ~ Dennis Miller.

Americans could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel. ~ Dennis Miller.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge. ~ Dennis Miller.

Witty Dennis Miller Quotes

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target? ~ Dennis Miller.

I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet. ~ Dennis Miller.

Political Correctness is inverted McCarthyism. ~ Dennis Miller.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. ~ Dennis Miller.

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies. ~ Dennis Miller.

Trends don’t mean anything to me. If I like something, I’ll do it. If I don’t, I won’t do it, and I wouldn’t care if everybody in the country mocked me. ~ Dennis Miller.

That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong. ~ Dennis Miller.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn’t belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head. ~ Dennis Miller.

I’m one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown. ~ Dennis Miller.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they’re becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group. ~ Dennis Miller.


Guilt is the reason they put articles in Playboy. ~ Dennis Miller.

Xenophobia doesn’t benefit anybody unless you’re playing high-stakes Scrabble. ~ Dennis Miller.

I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun. ~ Dennis Miller.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet. ~ Dennis Miller.

So these were 90 top Dennis Miller quotes, sayings, jokes and one-liners to tickle your funny bone.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Amy Poehler quotes and Norm MacDonald quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar