101 Joan Rivers Quotes from Famous American Comedian

Joan Rivers, born Joan Alexandra Molinsky, was a renowned American entertainer and comedian, famed for her no-holds-barred comedic style.

Her career took off in the 1960s, featuring multiple appearances on Johnny Carson’s The Tonight Show.

Joan Rivers was known for her raspy voice and her candid humor, often self-deprecating or aimed at celebrities, usually initiated with her famous catchphrase “Can we talk?”.


Despite expected to succeed Carson, Rivers was persuaded by Rupert Murdoch to host The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers, a move that ended her relationship with Carson.

Following her husband’s suicide, Rivers redefined herself as a writer, producer and entrepreneur.

She launched The Joan Rivers Show and was a regular feature on the E! Entertainment network with her daughter, Melissa, critiquing celebrity outfits at award shows.

Related: Ellen DeGeneres Quotes from the Famous American Comedian and Bill Murray Quotes from the American Comedy Actor

She also starred in Fashion Police and the reality show Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?

Apart from TV, Rivers wrote several books and acted in films like Spaceballs and Shrek 2.

Her life and career were documented in the film Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work.

I have curated the top quotes from Joan Rivers for you.

Best Joan Rivers Quotes


I am a dyke! And I’m damn proud of it! ~ Joan Rivers.


If you laugh at it, you can deal with it. ~ Joan Rivers.


Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening. ~ Joan Rivers.


Don’t worry about the money. Love the process. ~ Joan Rivers.


Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough. ~ Joan Rivers.


Happiness, at my age, is breathing. ~ Joan Rivers.


Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending. ~ Joan Rivers.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better. ~ Joan Rivers.


If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others. ~ Joan Rivers.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? ~ Joan Rivers.

I can’t wear yellow anymore. It’s too matchy-matchy with my catheter. ~ Joan Rivers.


Every television show you go on is a choice. ~ Joan Rivers.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~ Joan Rivers.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. ~ Joan Rivers.


I hate reality shows that are not reality. ~ Joan Rivers.

Famous Joan Rivers Quotes

The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die. ~ Joan Rivers.

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. ~ Joan Rivers.

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it. ~ Joan Rivers.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional. ~ Joan Rivers.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips. ~ Joan Rivers.


A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: ‘Run your own race, put on your blinders.’ ~ Joan Rivers.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train. ~ Joan Rivers.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’ ~ Joan Rivers.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. ~ Joan Rivers.

I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’ ~ Joan Rivers.

Top Joan Rivers Quotes

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you. ~ Joan Rivers.

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true. ~ Joan Rivers.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. ~ Joan Rivers.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’ ~ Joan Rivers.

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust. ~ Joan Rivers.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. ~ Joan Rivers.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents. ~ Joan Rivers.


My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating. ~ Joan Rivers.

I am not into exercise. If God wanted me to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw. ~ Joan Rivers.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. ~ Joan Rivers.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark. ~ Joan Rivers.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone. ~ Joan Rivers.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp. ~ Joan Rivers.

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money. ~ Joan Rivers.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge. ~ Joan Rivers.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. ~ Joan Rivers.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. ~ Joan Rivers.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. ~ Joan Rivers.

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it. ~ Joan Rivers.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. ~ Joan Rivers.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. ~ Joan Rivers.

I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older. ~ Joan Rivers.

Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in high heels! ~ Joan Rivers.

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers.

I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck. ~ Joan Rivers.

You’re college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It’s not who you know, it’s whom. ~ Joan Rivers.

I am furious about everything. ~ Joan Rivers.

It’s obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it – diamonds are a girl’s best friend; man’s best friend is a dog. ~ Joan Rivers.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. ~ Joan Rivers.

Great Joan Rivers Quotes

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers.

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. ~ Joan Rivers.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean. ~ Joan Rivers.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out . ~ Joan Rivers.

She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage. ~ Joan Rivers.

I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it’s baby mommas. ~ Joan Rivers.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery. ~ Joan Rivers.

It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up. ~ Joan Rivers.

I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider. ~ Joan Rivers.

Powerful Joan Rivers Quotes

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been. ~ Joan Rivers.

Looking 50 is great, if you’re 60. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have to tell you that it’s not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don’t say ‘I can’t’ or ‘I shouldn’t’ or ‘I’m too tired.’ ~ Joan Rivers.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. ~ Joan Rivers.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none. ~ Joan Rivers.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it. ~ Joan Rivers.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. ~ Joan Rivers.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. ~ Joan Rivers.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know. ~ Joan Rivers.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark. ~ Joan Rivers.

Ultimate Joan Rivers Quotes

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening… ~ Joan Rivers.

I’m so fat and I’m so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself – but the rope broke. ~ Joan Rivers.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself. ~ Joan Rivers.

If you don’t think you’re funny, no one else will. ~ Joan Rivers.


Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone. ~ Joan Rivers.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked. ~ Joan Rivers.

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies! ~ Joan Rivers.

I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963. ~ Joan Rivers.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. ~ Joan Rivers.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. ~ Joan Rivers.

Inspiring Marcus Garvey Quotes

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ~ Joan Rivers.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. ~ Joan Rivers.

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. ~ Joan Rivers.

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. ~ Joan Rivers.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron. ~ Joan Rivers.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. ~ Joan Rivers.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway. ~ Joan Rivers.

So these were the 101 top Joan Rivers quotes and sayings.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Marcus Garvey quotes and Marcel Proust quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar