65 Henny Youngman Quotes from Famous American Comedian

Henry “Henny” Youngman was a famous British-American comedian known for his quick short jokes and violin playing.

His most famous one-liner was “Take my wife–please.” Youngman’s comedy consisted of simple jokes and occasional violin playing.

Born in Liverpool, England he moved to Brooklyn New York as a child.

His comedy career began after creating “comedy cards” at a print shop.

Henny  Youngman quotes

Youngman’s first showbiz job was as an orchestra musician but he later transitioned to stand-up comedy.

He appeared on radio shows attempted acting and made many TV appearances. Youngman’s wife Sadie was often the subject of his jokes but they had a close relationship.

Youngman worked almost every day for over 70 years and passed away at age 91 in 1998.

I have handpicked the top quotes by Henry Youngman.

Best Henny Youngman Quotes


I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? ~ Henry Youngman.


I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. ~ Henry Youngman.


Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. ~ Henry Youngman.


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ~ Henry Youngman.


Who says nothing is impossible? I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~ Henry Youngman.


Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. ~ Henry Youngman.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. ~ Henry Youngman.


When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say. ~ Henry Youngman.

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange. ~ Henry Youngman.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~ Henry Youngman.


The food on the plane was fit for a king. Here, King!” ~ Henry Youngman.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. ~ Henry Youngman.

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter. ~ Henry Youngman. ~ Henry Youngman.

Famous Henny Youngman Quotes

I said to my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ She said, ‘I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ I said, ‘Try the kitchen.’ ~ Henry Youngman.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henry Youngman.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started”. ~ Henry Youngman.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want! ~ Henry Youngman.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess. ~ Henry Youngman.


You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready. ~ Henry Youngman.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!” ~ Henry Youngman.

Funny Henny Youngman Quotes

What is a home without children? Quiet. ~ Henry Youngman.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City? ~ Henry Youngman.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. ~ Henry Youngman.


When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. ~ Henry Youngman.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory. ~ Henry Youngman.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving. ~ Henry Youngman.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. ~ Henry Youngman.


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” “No, jump in!” ~ Henry Youngman.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! ~ Henry Youngman.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. ~ Henry Youngman.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. ~ Henry Youngman.


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~ Henry Youngman.

Hilarious Henny Youngman Quotes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. ~ Henry Youngman.

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat. ~ Henry Youngman.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. ~ Henry Youngman.


While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henry Youngman.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. ~ Henry Youngman.

I just made a killing in the stock market – I shot my broker. ~ Henry Youngman.

Great Henny Youngman Quotes

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn’t for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I’d be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini! ~ Henry Youngman.


Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henry Youngman.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays. ~ Henry Youngman.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you. ~ Henry Youngman.

The patient says, Doctor, “it hurts when I do this”. “Then don’t do that!” ~ Henry Youngman.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means. ~ Henry Youngman.


A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, Are you comfortable? The man says, I make a good living. ~ Henry Youngman.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse. ~ Henry Youngman.

Don’t move! I want to forget you just the way you are. ~ Henry Youngman.

Top Henny Youngman Quotes

A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!” ~ Henry Youngman.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous. ~ Henry Youngman.


She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match. ~ Henry Youngman.

The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner… ~ Henry Youngman.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ~ Henry Youngman.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement. ~ Henry Youngman.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There is water in the carburetor. I said, Where’s the car? She said, In the lake. ~ Henry Youngman.

A guy says, I’m so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I’ll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You’re seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday. ~ Henry Youngman.

Popular Henny Youngman Quotes

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” Okay, you’re ugly too!” ~ Henry Youngman.


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. ~ Henry Youngman.

Nurse: Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office. Doctor: Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in. ~ Henry Youngman.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. ~ Henry Youngman.

I know what I’m giving up for Lent: my New Year’s resolutions. ~ Henry Youngman.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ~ Henry Youngman.

So these were the 65 top Henny Youngman quotes and sayings.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Henry Miller quotes and Henry Ward Beecher quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar