Jerome Allen Seinfeld is a stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer from the United States.


Best Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

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The comedy universe is a swamp of madness. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

The biggest laugh has to come at the end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

You’re a nice guy, but I actually only have three friends. I can’t really handle any more. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I am speechless: I have no speech. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don’t even want it anymore.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

We were somewhat unsupervised. The audience was there and the network is not going to complain if everyone’s liking the show. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Top Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

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People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Famous Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

The best revenge is living well. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

There’s nothing more fun than entertaining kids. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME! ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

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You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Hilarious Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my muscles are huge. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

These pretzels are making me thirsty! ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Funniest Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I’m on to something. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I love advertising because I love lying. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

The reactions of audiences are interesting. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’ ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Humorous Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

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I don’t wanna be a Pirate!!!! ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.


So these were the 89 top Jerry Seinfeld quotes on comedy, life, love, marriage and work.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Will Ferrell quotes and Lucille Ball quotes.