Larry David is a comedian, writer, actor, director, and television producer from the United States.


Best Larry David Quotes

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, ‘I know, I’m sorry.’ ~ Larry David.

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I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish. ~ Larry David.

If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable. ~ Larry David.

OK, I’m happy. I’m happy. All right? I’m happy. ~ Larry David.

A lie is a gesture, it’s a courtesy, it’s a little respect! ~ Larry David.

People don’t yell nasty things at actors – they let them continue. ~ Larry David.

I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. ~ Larry David.

The addition of nuts in salad… I always find to be beneficial. ~ Larry David.

It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn’t happen that often. ~ Larry David.

I’m not quite as anonymous as I was. ~ Larry David.

If you tell the truth about how you’re feeling, it becomes funny. ~ Larry David.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. ~ Larry David.

Let’s go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob. ~ Larry David.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out. ~ Larry David.

I can’t stand reading anything that I’ve said. ~ Larry David.

Famous Larry David Quotes

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don’t like to have hot food for lunch. ~ Larry David.

When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands. ~ Larry David

I don’t really know much about TV and what people want to see. I’m not that well-informed about it. ~ Larry David.

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I don’t like to say anything good. I feel like I’ll jinx myself. ~ Larry David.

Women love a self-confident bald man. ~ Larry David.

Most of the time I’m thinking, I’m glad that scene was improvised. ~ Larry David.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there. ~ Larry David.

Can I tell you something about apricots? … 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit. ~ Larry David.

I don’t write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that’s going to happen. There’s an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. ~ Larry David.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. ~ Larry David.

Great Larry David Quotes

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn’t involve a woman. ~ Larry David.

I love this dog, it’s not very often you get the chance to be affectionate to something German. ~ Larry David.

I think we’re all good and bad, but good’s not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. ~ Larry David.

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When you’re not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom. ~ Larry David.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. ~ Larry David.

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I’m – basically inside, I’m a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over. ~ Larry David.

Obviously comedic styles do change. ~ Larry David.

The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward. ~ Larry David.

There’s also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. ~ Larry David.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I’d rather give them things than time. ~ Larry David.

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You know, I’m really not that bright. ~ Larry David.

I don’t take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. ~ Larry David.

It has to do – I think – with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. ~ Larry David.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. ~ Larry David.

Top Larry David Quotes

I’m really only happy when I’m on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That’s what I’m all about – people and laughter. ~ Larry David.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood. ~ Larry David.

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Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish. ~ Larry David.

Switzerland is a place where they don’t like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. ~ Larry David.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair… Change my name, just see what happens. ~ Larry David.

I’m one of the idiots that negotiates after I write. ~ Larry David.

All of a sudden I discovered that I’m allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. ~ Larry David.

I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. ~ Larry David.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m deaf and I try to imagine what it’s like not to be able to hear them. It’s not that bad. ~ Larry David.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. ~ Larry David.

Funny Larry David Quotes

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn’t normally. ~ Larry David.

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I want my Dollar back! ~ Larry David.

I think golf is literally an addiction. I’m surprised there’s not Golf Anonymous. ~ Larry David.

At first, I didn’t realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. ~ Larry David.

Sure, being a reservist wasn’t as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror. ~ Larry David.

There’s a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. ~ Larry David.

I tell people that I’ve now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. ~ Larry David.

I gave a funny speech at my wife’s birthday party, and I’m thinking, ‘Hey, I’ve still got it.’ ~ Larry David.

What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them? ~ Larry David.

I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with. ~ Larry David.

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I’m a walking, talking enigma. We’re a dying breed. ~ Larry David.

He wanted to stop and chat with me – and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat. ~ Larry David.

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. ~ Larry David.

Popular Larry David Quotes

An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as a**hole. ~ Larry David

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me. ~ Larry David.

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I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. ~ Larry David.

It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically. ~ Larry David.

You can’t do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare. ~ Larry David.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money – this is the guy who needs to laugh. ~ Larry David.

Can I apologize for the apology? ~ Larry David.

I couldn’t be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. ~ Larry David.

You have to discover when you’re inadequate to be funny and you don’t know you’re inadequate when you’re a kid. ~ Larry David.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it’s the best of both worlds. There’s a lot to be said for it. ~ Larry David.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word ‘happy’ has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, ‘happy.’ ~ Larry David.

I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me. ~ Larry David.

Hilarious Larry David Quotes

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street – things like that. ~ Larry David.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. ~ Larry David.

I’ve been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don’t need to know anymore. ~ Larry David.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. ~ Larry David.

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Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. ~ Larry David.

I’ve led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. ~ Larry David.

I’m not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There’s no closure. ~ Larry David.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I’m very casual about it. ~ Larry David.


So these were the 87 top Larry David quotes and sayings.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Ragnar Lothbrok quotes and Jonathan Edwards quotes.