90 Stephen Colbert Quotes from the American Comedian

Stephen Tyrone Colbert, an American actor and comedian, is most recognized for hosting “The Colbert Report” (2005-14) and “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (2015-).

A Northwestern University theatre graduate, he began with the Second City improv group in Chicago and subsequently collaborated on the award-winning “Exit 57” and “Strangers with Candy” for Comedy Central.

By 1997, he joined “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and became a fan favorite. In 2005, “The Colbert Report” spotlighted his parody of conservative commentators, popularizing the term “truthiness”.


His political satire peaked at the 2006 White House Correspondents’ dinner where he satirized the Bush administration.

Often blending entertainment with politics, Colbert mobilized fans for various causes and highlighted campaign finance loopholes with a Super PAC. In 2014, he succeeded David Letterman on CBS’s “Late Show”, later gaining traction for criticizing Trump’s administration in 2017.

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I have picked the best quotes by Stephen Colbert in this blog post.

Top 10 Stephen Colbert Quotes


I don’t like books, they’re all fact, no heart. ~ Stephen Colbert.


It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Clothes don’t make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants. ~ Stephen Colbert.


There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. ~ Stephen Colbert.


There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta. ~ Stephen Colbert.


You don’t look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy! ~ Stephen Colbert.


The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Wise Stephen Colbert Quotes

Some say, ‘Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.’ I say, ‘Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.’ ~ Stephen Colbert.


I can’t prove it, but I can say it. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I’m more American than apple pie. I’m like apple pie, with a hot dog in it. ~ Stephen Colbert.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I’m a junkie for exhaustion, and I’m a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them. ~ Stephen Colbert.

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion – be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior. ~ Stephen Colbert.


It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. ~ Stephen Colbert.

You can make an omelet without breaking eggs. It’s just a really bad omelet. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope. ~ Stephen Colbert.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ‘Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’ ~ Stephen Colbert.


Opinions are like demo tapes. I don’t want to hear yours. ~ Stephen Colbert.

You can’t really be passionately moderate. It’s like wearing an ‘Extra Medium’ – it doesn’t exist. ~ Stephen Colbert.

The more you know, the sadder you get. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Agnostics are just atheists without balls. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Famous Stephen Colbert Quotes

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella. ~ Stephen Colbert.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it. ~ Stephen Colbert.

You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself. There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Wikipedia is the place I go when I’m looking for knowledge…or want to create some. ~ Stephen Colbert.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it. ~ Stephen Colbert.


If you ignore something long enough, it will go away. Just look at Sarah Palin. ~ Stephen Colbert.

If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? ~ Stephen Colbert.

Best Stephen Colbert Quotes


The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. ~ Stephen Colbert.

You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner. ~ Stephen Colbert.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. ~ Stephen Colbert.


And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. ~ Stephen Colbert.


If Jesus doesn’t have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible – I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what’s going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. ~ Stephen Colbert.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun. ~ Stephen Colbert.

It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Popular Stephen Colbert Quotes

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to vote. ~ Stephen Colbert.


If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. ~ Stephen Colbert.

A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there’s any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government – it’s like the existence of another authority. ~ Stephen Colbert.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. ~ Stephen Colbert.

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That’s why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus. ~ Stephen Colbert.


If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Insightful Stephen Colbert Quotes

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry. ~ Stephen Colbert.

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. ~ Stephen Colbert.

They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. ~ Stephen Colbert.


The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Knock Knock. Who’s there? The Truth. No joke. ~ Stephen Colbert.

If someone does offer you a job, say ‘yes.’ You can always quit later. Then at least you’ll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it’s an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you’re talking about politics or the media. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It’s certainty. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly cynics. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Thought-Provoking Stephen Colbert Quotes

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you. ~ Stephen Colbert.


I’ve said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. ~ Stephen Colbert.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don’t want to ride around with a quitter. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. ~ Stephen Colbert.


God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Don’t be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. ~ Stephen Colbert.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal. ~ Stephen Colbert.

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! ~ Stephen Colbert.


What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! ~ Stephen Colbert.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. ~ Stephen Colbert.


Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. ~ Stephen Colbert.

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. ~ Stephen Colbert.

I’ve said it before: equations are the devil’s sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols. ~ Stephen Colbert.

So these were the 90 top quotes about Stephen Colbert.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Clarice Lispector quotes and Julius Evola quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar