Demetri Evan Martin is a comedian, actor, director, cartoonist, and musician from the United States.

Best Demetri Martin Quotes


I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. ~ Demetri Martin.


The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. ~ Demetri Martin.


Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden. ~ Demetri Martin.


When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. ~ Demetri Martin.


I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation. ~ Demetri Martin.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. ~ Demetri Martin.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliché. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original. ~ Demetri Martin.


My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. ~ Demetri Martin.

A life vest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. ~ Demetri Martin.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. ~ Demetri Martin.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital’. ~ Demetri Martin.


Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. ~ Demetri Martin.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking. ~ Demetri Martin.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. ~ Demetri Martin.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. ~ Demetri Martin.

Most stick people are black. ~ Demetri Martin.


I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille. ~ Demetri Martin.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day. ~ Demetri Martin.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don’t want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too. ~ Demetri Martin.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. ~ Demetri Martin.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean? ~ Demetri Martin.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. ~ Demetri Martin.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend. ~ Demetri Martin.

I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business. ~ Demetri Martin.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you. ~ Demetri Martin.

Top Demetri Martin Quotes


When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that? ~ Demetri Martin.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ~ Demetri Martin.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. ~ Demetri Martin.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. ~ Demetri Martin.

It’s not enough to say I’m sorry. You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying I’m single. ~ Demetri Martin.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face. ~ Demetri Martin.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes. ~ Demetri Martin.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson. ~ Demetri Martin.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. ~ Demetri Martin.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. ~ Demetri Martin.

Famous Demetri Martin Quotes


I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. ~ Demetri Martin.

At the battle of the bands the loser’s always the audience. ~ Demetri Martin.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. ~ Demetri Martin.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. ~ Demetri Martin.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~ Demetri Martin.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent. ~ Demetri Martin.

Clowns have no respect for pie. ~ Demetri Martin.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line. ~ Demetri Martin.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. ~ Demetri Martin.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many. ~ Demetri Martin.

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I’m going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. ~ Demetri Martin.


When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’ ~ Demetri Martin.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric. ~ Demetri Martin.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’ ~ Demetri Martin.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. ~ Demetri Martin.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. ~ Demetri Martin.

Witty Demetri Martin Quotes

One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ~ Demetri Martin.

I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. ~ Demetri Martin.

A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’ ~ Demetri Martin.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. ~ Demetri Martin.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it’s okay. ~ Demetri Martin.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy. ~ Demetri Martin.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. ~ Demetri Martin.


I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. ~ Demetri Martin.

Ultimate Demetri Martin Quotes

The sofa is the enemy of productivity. ~ Demetri Martin.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen. ~ Demetri Martin.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. ~ Demetri Martin.

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy. ~ Demetri Martin.

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front. ~ Demetri Martin.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. ~ Demetri Martin.

Don’t talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever. ~ Demetri Martin.

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.’ ~ Demetri Martin.

This is a pie chart about procrastination. ~ Demetri Martin.

Hilarious Demetri Martin Quotes

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful. ~ Demetri Martin.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. ~ Demetri Martin.


The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ~ Demetri Martin.

The earth without art is just eh. ~ Demetri Martin.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried – that is couch french fries. ~ Demetri Martin.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ~ Demetri Martin.

They say it’s lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top. ~ Demetri Martin.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car. ~ Demetri Martin.


I need to develop some patience – immediately. ~ Demetri Martin.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. ~ Demetri Martin.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. ~ Demetri Martin.

Funniest Demetri Martin Quotes

I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ~ Demetri Martin.

I don’t have to kill myself, time is going to do that. ~ Demetri Martin.

It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. ~ Demetri Martin.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right. ~ Demetri Martin.

What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples! ~ Demetri Martin.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. ~ Demetri Martin.

Humorous Demetri Martin Quotes

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. ~ Demetri Martin.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows. ~ Demetri Martin.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location. ~ Demetri Martin.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything. ~ Demetri Martin.


How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray. ~ Demetri Martin.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. ~ Demetri Martin.

Never forget where you came from. That’s what I think when I walk into a cave. ~ Demetri Martin.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed. ~ Demetri Martin.

So these were the 93 top Demetri Martin quotes, one-liners and jokes.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on George Lopez quotes and Russell Brand quotes.

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