93 Best Demetri Martin Quotes, Sayings, Jokes and One Liners

Demetri Martin is an American comedian, actor, writer, director, cartoonist and musician renowned for his deadpan delivery, guitar humor and satirical cartoons.

Born on May 25, 1973, in New York City to a Greek-American family, Martin grew up in Toms River, New Jersey.

After graduating from Yale University in 1995, he began law at New York University but later withdrew to chase a comedy career.

He began stand-up in 1997 and gained recognition on Comedy Central and “The Daily Show.”

Demetri Martin

Although once offered an audition for “Saturday Night Live,” he declined due to its long-term commitment.

He released comedy albums, starred in his own show “Important Things With Demetri Martin,” and films like “Taking Woodstock” and “Dean.”

Known for his unique comedic style, Martin often incorporates music and drawings into his act.

His personal life has seen two marriages; he currently lives in Los Feliz, California, with his wife and two children.

Here are some of the most funny quotes by Demetri Martin.

Best Demetri Martin Quotes


I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. ~ Demetri Martin.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. ~ Demetri Martin.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden. ~ Demetri Martin.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. ~ Demetri Martin.

I’m afraid of sharks – but only in a water situation. ~ Demetri Martin.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. ~ Demetri Martin.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliché. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original. ~ Demetri Martin.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It’s nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. ~ Demetri Martin.

A life vest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. ~ Demetri Martin.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. ~ Demetri Martin.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital’. ~ Demetri Martin.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving. ~ Demetri Martin.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking. ~ Demetri Martin.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. ~ Demetri Martin.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. ~ Demetri Martin.

Most stick people are black. ~ Demetri Martin.


I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille. ~ Demetri Martin.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day. ~ Demetri Martin.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don’t want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too. ~ Demetri Martin.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets. ~ Demetri Martin.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean? ~ Demetri Martin.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. ~ Demetri Martin.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend. ~ Demetri Martin.

I’m so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That’s none of your business. ~ Demetri Martin.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you. ~ Demetri Martin.

Top Demetri Martin Quotes

When people show me pictures of their kids, it’s okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I’m weird. What kind of one way street is that? ~ Demetri Martin.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. ~ Demetri Martin.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. ~ Demetri Martin.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. ~ Demetri Martin.

It’s not enough to say I’m sorry. You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying I’m single. ~ Demetri Martin.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face. ~ Demetri Martin.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes. ~ Demetri Martin.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson. ~ Demetri Martin.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. ~ Demetri Martin.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often. ~ Demetri Martin.

Famous Demetri Martin Quotes

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer. ~ Demetri Martin.

At the battle of the bands the loser’s always the audience. ~ Demetri Martin.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is. ~ Demetri Martin.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia. ~ Demetri Martin.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~ Demetri Martin.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent. ~ Demetri Martin.

Clowns have no respect for pie. ~ Demetri Martin.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line. ~ Demetri Martin.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. ~ Demetri Martin.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many. ~ Demetri Martin.

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I’m going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old. ~ Demetri Martin.

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’ ~ Demetri Martin.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric. ~ Demetri Martin.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?’ ~ Demetri Martin.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets. ~ Demetri Martin.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. ~ Demetri Martin.

Witty Demetri Martin Quotes

One time, I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ~ Demetri Martin.

I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. ~ Demetri Martin.

A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.’ ~ Demetri Martin.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. ~ Demetri Martin.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it’s okay. ~ Demetri Martin.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy. ~ Demetri Martin.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. ~ Demetri Martin.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery. ~ Demetri Martin.

Ultimate Demetri Martin Quotes

The sofa is the enemy of productivity. ~ Demetri Martin.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen. ~ Demetri Martin.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit. ~ Demetri Martin.

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy. ~ Demetri Martin.

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front. ~ Demetri Martin.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti. ~ Demetri Martin.

Don’t talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever. ~ Demetri Martin.

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade – especially if they’re crappy kids.’ ~ Demetri Martin.

This is a pie chart about procrastination. ~ Demetri Martin.

Hilarious Demetri Martin Quotes

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful. ~ Demetri Martin.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge. ~ Demetri Martin.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ~ Demetri Martin.

The earth without art is just eh. ~ Demetri Martin.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried – that is couch french fries. ~ Demetri Martin.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ~ Demetri Martin.

They say it’s lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top. ~ Demetri Martin.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car. ~ Demetri Martin.


I need to develop some patience – immediately. ~ Demetri Martin.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry. ~ Demetri Martin.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. ~ Demetri Martin.

Funniest Demetri Martin Quotes

I was making pancakes the other day, and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ~ Demetri Martin.

I don’t have to kill myself, time is going to do that. ~ Demetri Martin.

It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out. ~ Demetri Martin.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right. ~ Demetri Martin.

What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples! ~ Demetri Martin.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born. ~ Demetri Martin.

Humorous Demetri Martin Quotes

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak. ~ Demetri Martin.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows. ~ Demetri Martin.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location. ~ Demetri Martin.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything. ~ Demetri Martin.


How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray. ~ Demetri Martin.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. ~ Demetri Martin.

Never forget where you came from. That’s what I think when I walk into a cave. ~ Demetri Martin.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed. ~ Demetri Martin.

So these were the 93 top Demetri Martin quotes, one-liners and jokes.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on George Lopez quotes and Russell Brand quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar