102 Best Groucho Marx Quotes, Jokes and One Liners from The Greatest Comedian

Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx was an American comedian, actor, writer, and performer who appeared on stage, film, radio, and television.


Top 10 Groucho Marx Quotes


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~ Groucho Marx.


Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. ~ Groucho Marx.


I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx.


Do you mind if I don’t smoke? ~ Groucho Marx.


I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. ~ Groucho Marx.


Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose. ~ Groucho Marx.


She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me. ~ Groucho Marx.


My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one. ~ Groucho Marx.


Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. ~ Groucho Marx.


Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. ~ Groucho Marx.

Famous Groucho Marx Quotes

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook. ~ Groucho Marx.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~ Groucho Marx.


Home is where you hang your head. ~ Groucho Marx.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You’ve Got It Made. ~ Groucho Marx.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. ~ Groucho Marx.


You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you. ~ Groucho Marx.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ~ Groucho Marx.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~ Groucho Marx.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning. ~ Groucho Marx.


No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. ~ Groucho Marx.

Hello, I must be going. ~ Groucho Marx.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~ Groucho Marx.

Wise Groucho Marx Quotes

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. ~ Groucho Marx.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. ~ Groucho Marx.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~ Groucho Marx.


Whatever it is, I’m against it. ~ Groucho Marx.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. ~ Groucho Marx.

Time wounds all heels. ~ Groucho Marx.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling. ~ Groucho Marx.


A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. ~ Groucho Marx.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you’ll duck soup for the rest of your life. ~ Groucho Marx.

Witty Groucho Marx Quotes

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. ~ Groucho Marx.

It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going. ~ Groucho Marx.


No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. ~ Groucho Marx.

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~ Groucho Marx.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~ Groucho Marx.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. ~ Groucho Marx.

I’m going to Iowa for an award. Then I’m appearing at Carnegie Hall, it’s sold out. Then I’m sailing to France to be honored by the French government – I’d give it all up for one erection. ~ Groucho Marx.


I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~ Groucho Marx.

There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan. ~ Groucho Marx.

Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. ~ Groucho Marx.

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham. ~ Groucho Marx.


If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere. ~ Groucho Marx.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. ~ Groucho Marx.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman. ~ Groucho Marx.

Humor is reason gone mad. ~ Groucho Marx.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. ~ Groucho Marx.


Growing old is something you do if you’re lucky. ~ Groucho Marx.

With a little study you’ll go a long ways, and I wish you’d start now. ~ Groucho Marx.

Hilarious Groucho Marx Quotes

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother’s day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather! ~ Groucho Marx.

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. ~ Groucho Marx.


Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! ~ Groucho Marx.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. ~ Groucho Marx.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~ Groucho Marx.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. ~ Groucho Marx.


Blood is not thicker than money. ~ Groucho Marx.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. ~ Groucho Marx.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~ Groucho Marx.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. ~ Groucho Marx.

Funniest Groucho Marx Quotes

Patience is the art of finding something else to do. ~ Groucho Marx.


This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. ~ Groucho Marx.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. ~ Groucho Marx.

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. ~ Groucho Marx.

Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all. ~ Groucho Marx.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. ~ Groucho Marx.


I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove. ~ Groucho Marx.

The admission fee was a viper’s tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse. ~ Groucho Marx.

Humorous Groucho Marx Quotes

The only real laughter comes from despair. ~ Groucho Marx.

What have future generations ever done for us? ~ Groucho Marx.


I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member. ~ Groucho Marx.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. ~ Groucho Marx.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ~ Groucho Marx.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~ Groucho Marx.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written. ~ Groucho Marx.


Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. ~ Groucho Marx.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house. ~ Groucho Marx.

I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you. ~ Groucho Marx.

Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you. ~ Groucho Marx.

Best Groucho Marx Quotes

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar. ~ Groucho Marx.


I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining. ~ Groucho Marx.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. ~ Groucho Marx.

This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed. ~ Groucho Marx.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. ~ Groucho Marx.

All geniuses die young. ~ Groucho Marx.


Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here! ~ Groucho Marx.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. ~ Groucho Marx.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. ~ Groucho Marx.

Celebrate the cracks, because that’s how the light comes in. ~ Groucho Marx.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. ~ Groucho Marx.


Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~ Groucho Marx.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious. ~ Groucho Marx.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know. ~ Groucho Marx.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~ Groucho Marx.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made. ~ Groucho Marx.

thoughtful groucho marx quotes sayings captions

The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished. ~ Groucho Marx.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong. ~ Groucho Marx.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. ~ Groucho Marx.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. ~ Groucho Marx.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again. ~ Groucho Marx.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home. ~ Groucho Marx.


Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. ~ Groucho Marx.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any. ~ Groucho Marx.

So these were the 102 top Groucho Marx quotes, sayings, jokes and one-liners to make you laugh.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Thomas Sowell quotes and Virgil Abloh quotes.