105 Funniest Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings

Mitchell Lee “Mitch” Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian and actor born in St. Paul, Minnesota, recognized for his unique, laid-back comedic style and distinctive hippie look.

Hedberg’s comedy career began in Florida, later taking him to Seattle and then to national recognition through appearances on MTV’s Comikaze and the Late Show with David Letterman.


His talents won him the 1997 grand prize at the Seattle Comedy Competition and by 1999 he had completed an independent feature film, “Los Enchiladas!”.

Hedberg also released three comedy CDs and made multiple appearances at the Montreal Just for Laughs comedy festival.

Despite his premature death, Hedberg’s influence in the entertainment industry is big.

Related: Groucho Marx Quotes, Jokes and One Liners from The Greatest Comedian and Duncan Trussell Quotes from the Standup Comedian

Some of the comedy legends like George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, Mike Birbiglia and Lewis Black among his admirers.

I have chosen some of the top quotes by Mitch Hedberg for you to read.

Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes


I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP? ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. ~ Mitch Hedberg.


If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Witty Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose! ~ Mitch Hedberg.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying We don’t have to fix anything. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’ ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Funniest Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read! ~ Mitch Hedberg.


I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Humorous Mitch Hedberg Quotes

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned! ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes. You’re all happy at first, but then by the end, you’re sick of ’em. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying… ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Dogs are forever in the push up position. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I can read minds, but I’m illiterate. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers?” Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets. ~ Mitch Hedberg. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait’. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold. I guess I could lick it. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot! ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Ultimate Mitch Hedberg Quotes

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them. ~ Mitch Hedberg.


A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before. ~ Mitch Hedberg.

So these were the 105 top Mitch Hedberg quotes that are funny and hilarious.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Arthur Schopenhauer quotes and Chris Farley quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar