70 Phyllis Diller Quotes from the American Stand-up Comedian

Phyllis Diller emerged as a trailblazing figure in the realm of American stand-up comedy and acting, distinguished by her unique sense of style, iconic laugh and mastery of self-deprecating humor.

Launching her career in the 1950s, she captivated audiences with her sharp-witted one-liners and humorous depictions of a housewife, frequently making reference to her imaginary spouse, “Fang.”

Phyllis Diller

Beyond her comedic prowess, Diller was proficient as a pianist and took on the role of an author.

Her contributions to the entertainment industry did not go unrecognized, as she was honored with the Women’s International Center Living Legacy Award and the American Comedy Award for Lifetime Achievement.

Although Diller withdrew from her active career in 2002, she didn’t completely step away from the limelight and continued to grace various platforms with her presence up until her passing in 2012 at the age of 95.

Diller’s impact remains significant, paving the way for future generations of female comedians.

Here are some of the most popular quotes by Phyllis Diller.

Top 10 Phyllis Diller Quotes


Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller.


Fang can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition. ~ Phyllis Diller.


Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. ~ Phyllis Diller.


Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. ~ Phyllis Diller.


You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type. ~ Phyllis Diller.


Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? ~ Phyllis Diller.


I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~ Phyllis Diller.


I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’ ~ Phyllis Diller.


A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him. ~ Phyllis Diller.


My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Hilarious Phyllis Diller Quotes


My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. ~ Phyllis Diller.


I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. ~ Phyllis Diller.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch. ~ Phyllis Diller.


There’s such a build-up of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake. ~ Phyllis Diller.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That’s why I still take the pill; I don’t want any more grandchildren. ~ Phyllis Diller.


If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy. ~ Phyllis Diller.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate. ~ Phyllis Diller.


My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. ~ Phyllis Diller.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. ~ Phyllis Diller.


I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. ~ Phyllis Diller.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Funny Phyllis Diller Quotes

A terrible thing happened to me last night again – nothing. ~ Phyllis Diller.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ ~ Phyllis Diller.


Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off. ~ Phyllis Diller.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ~ Phyllis Diller.


Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Best Phyllis Diller Quotes

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~ Phyllis Diller.

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. ~ Phyllis Diller.


A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Humorous Phyllis Diller Quotes


Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor… I was committed! ~ Phyllis Diller.

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ~ Phyllis Diller.


I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, Feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. ~ Phyllis Diller.

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. ~ Phyllis Diller.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. ~ Phyllis Diller.


My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle. ~ Phyllis Diller.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Famous Phyllis Diller Quotes

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children. ~ Phyllis Diller.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’ ~ Phyllis Diller.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. ~ Phyllis Diller.


I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade! ~ Phyllis Diller.

Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. ~ Phyllis Diller.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. ~ Phyllis Diller.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. ~ Phyllis Diller.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car. ~ Phyllis Diller.


The last time I said let’s eat out, we ate in the garage. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Powerful Phyllis Diller Quotes

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ~ Phyllis Diller.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Comedy is tragedy revisited. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. ~ Phyllis Diller.


I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. ~ Phyllis Diller.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don’t give a damn. ~ Phyllis Diller.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. ~ Phyllis Diller.

So these were the 70 famous quotes about Phyllis Diller.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Paul Farmer quotes and Paul Valery quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar