Chelsea Joy Handler is an actress, comedian, writer, television host, and producer from the United States.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes
I would never sell my dog for a man. I’d sell the man. ~ Chelsea Handler.
No one tells me what to do – in any capacity. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. ~ Chelsea Handler.
We women have to stick together. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says ‘yes.’ ~ Chelsea Handler.
You know you’re a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. ~ Chelsea Handler.
But then, like George Michael in a men’s bathroom, I got cocky. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. ~ Chelsea Handler.
My father has a high opinion of his opinion. ~ Chelsea Handler.
You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Mexico’s a great place to overcome a drug addiction. ~ Chelsea Handler.
You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I don’t understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It’s so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn’t want him to walk me down the aisle. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Top Chelsea Handler Quotes
I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard. ~ Chelsea Handler.
When I don’t know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won’t anyone date me? ~ Chelsea Handler.
I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends. ~ Chelsea Handler.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl’s best friend 5 days out of the month? ~ Chelsea Handler.
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would! ~ Chelsea Handler.
It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I don’t like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can’t figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I don’t think the problem is telling people you’re on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself. ~ Chelsea Handler.
To pose for photographs. Going to Boy George’s house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield’s island for a radio opportunity. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house – obviously, they’ll have a turkey with all-white meat. ~ Chelsea Handler.
It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I have a question. Do you guys think it’s OK to drink while you’re pregnant if you’re planning on giving the baby up for adoption? ~ Chelsea Handler.
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl. ~ Chelsea Handler.
The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I like to laugh. It’s kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Best Chelsea Handler Quotes
Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it. ~ Chelsea Handler.
There’s tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they’ll give you 15,000 different options to get involved with cancer. It’s very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away – I don’t think so. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I want to start saying bad words all the time! ~ Chelsea Handler.
If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I’m retarded. ~ Chelsea Handler.
MTV is known for their huge budget. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it’s because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I think it’s important to be involved with charities that don’t necessarily reflect what you’re dealing with in your life. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. ~ Chelsea Handler.
First of all, who cares if people hate you? There’s always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There’s never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you’ve already won. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Hilarious Chelsea Handler Quotes
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn’t experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics – I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life. ~ Chelsea Handler.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that’s an exclamation point. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I – R2D2? I don’t know what to do with that. ~ Chelsea Handler.
A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. ~ Chelsea Handler.
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I can’t be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels. ~ Chelsea Handler.
The important thing is to be drunk. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. ~ Chelsea Handler.
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there’s nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I’m always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. ~ Chelsea Handler.
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I’m a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don’t try to fight it. It’s proven very well for me. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I don’t like the word ‘alcoholic’. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Famous Chelsea Handler Quotes
It’s hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher. ~ Chelsea Handler.
There’s a reason you never see anyone’s house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they’re not even worth mentioning. ~ Chelsea Handler.
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. ~ Chelsea Handler.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious – Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt. ~ Chelsea Handler.
If you have to work at McDonald’s, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I understand that if you’re a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I tried to put myself up for adoption several times. ~ Chelsea Handler.
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Whereas siblings tend to police you, cousins are your partners in crime. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I try to not overthink anything. I don’t understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can’t show them? ~ Chelsea Handler.
Short Chelsea Handler Quotes
It’s hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don’t know if they’re gay, if they’re straight, or Bruce Jenner. ~ Chelsea Handler.
That’s what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. ~ Chelsea Handler.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won’t put out. ~ Chelsea Handler.
My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever. ~ Chelsea Handler.
If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied – so much so that there were days when I was like, ‘I can’t go to school today.’ I was too scared. ~ Chelsea Handler.
I’m not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I’m never on top. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Women don’t have to be jealous of other women. ~ Chelsea Handler.
It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue. ~ Chelsea Handler.
Everyone knows if you’re going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. ~ Chelsea Handler.
So these were 91 top Chelsea Handler Quotes on life and fun.