50 Most Funny Kevin Malone Quotes for Fans of The Office

Kevin Malone appears in the American television series ‘The Office’ as a fictional character.


Best Kevin Malone Quotes

A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea, so if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one. ~ Kevin Malone.

Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air? Or was it me? ~ Kevin Malone.

Oh yeah, it’s bad. It’s real bad. It’s like eating a hot circle of garbage. Kevin Malone


Put back everything in the vending machine, except the fruit. ~ Kevin Malone.

I’m gonna get in my car. When I start dying I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog. ~ Kevin Malone.


I hear Angela’s party will have double-fudge brownies. But it will also have Angela. ~ Kevin Malone.

Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they’re just keeping it a secret. Right? ~ Kevin Malone.


I got six numbers! One more would have been a complete telephone number! ~ Kevin Malone.

You are, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you and you’re just using them. Again, the food was very good. ~ Kevin Malone.


The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it. ~ Kevin Malone.

Well when a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-whats fill up with you-know-what? And then her shirt gets… you know … That would be funny! ~ Kevin Malone.

The trick is to under-cook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. ~ Kevin Malone.

I cooked my way through Julia Child’s cookbook. And now I’m halfway through the Twilight cookbook. ~ Kevin Malone.


Oh nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us. ~ Kevin Malone.

W.B. Jones’ construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and… ~ Kevin Malone.

Hilarious Kevin Malone Quotes

It’s Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he’s mad. So that’s about it! ~ Kevin Malone.

If there is one thing that I have learned through this whole experience, it’s that if you film anybody long enough, they’re going to do something stupid. It’s only human natural. ~ Kevin Malone.


I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone. ~ Kevin Malone.

We really don’t do a lot of weddings. We actually don’t play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam’s wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band. ~ Kevin Malone.

Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say car no go, and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few .– Kevin Malone.

Funny Kevin Malone Quotes

Andy left a carton of milk in the fridge. So, I’ve been sneaking a little bit every day for the last three months. It’s been yummy. But now, Andy’s coming back. So, I guess it’s goodbye chunky, lemon milk. ~ Kevin Malone.

I cooked my way through Julia Childs’ cookbook, and now, I’m halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward’s corn flake chicken. ~ Kevin Malone.

Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times! ~ Kevin Malone.


I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket. ~ Kevin Malone.

At five? That’s only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare. ~ Kevin Malone.

Yeah. We missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii. I was on heaven. ~ Kevin Malone.

Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands. ~ Kevin Malone.

My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East! and she said that we’re done. ~ Kevin Malone.


I am totally gonna bang Holly. She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me. ~ Kevin Malone.

At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin’s Famous Chili. The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot. I’m serious about this stuff. I’m up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies. It’s a recipe passed down from Malones for generations. It’s probably the thing I do best. ~ Kevin Malone.

Oh well, if they aren’t together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they’d be good together, like PB&J. [wheels turning] Pam Beasley … and Jim. What a waste. What. A. Waste. ~ Kevin Malone.

Angela’s cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin. ~ Kevin Malone.


You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert. ~ Kevin Malone.

Look, I know it’s easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here’s a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one. ~ Kevin Malone.

The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters. ~ Kevin Malone.

Famous Kevin Malone Quotes

We’ve actually had to pull out the stops and have supervisors working the windows and pull in everyone who can give a drive exam and try to accommodate them. ~ Kevin Malone.


You’re too character-y to be a lead, and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor. ~ Kevin Malone.

They have such a strong team chemistry and such a great culture, committed to winning and to the team more than the individual. They can take on a troubled guy or a high-maintenance guy. … They can mold him into shape, and basically protect him from himself. ~ Kevin Malone.

Witty Kevin Malone Quotes

The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it is so important that you all come and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity 2. Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. ~ Kevin Malone.


I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. ~ Kevin Malone.

Jim’s gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office, to fart in. Then one day, I came in, and I just stayed. ‘Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks. ~ Kevin Malone.

Andy, I’m not Jim. The only way that I’m Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam. ~ Kevin Malone.

Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of a cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people? ~ Kevin Malone.

We’re getting hungry out there. We’re all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo’s Pizza Café, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end. ~ Kevin Malone.


I think we should let the criminal use the card for a little longer. ~ Kevin Malone.

So, Dwight doesn’t understand what a silent auction is. I guess he’s the ‘stupid guy’ in the office, huh? Cause up ’til now, we didn’t have one. ~ Kevin Malone.

Suicide in Ireland is a problem that nobody wants to talk about. Where you’ve got stigma, you get fear and secrecy – it becomes a vacuum. ~ Kevin Malone.

I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven’t been returned yet. ~ Kevin Malone.

So these were the 50 top Kevin Malone quotes that are hilarious and funny.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Dale Gribble quotes and Freddy Krueger quotes.

Share with others!
Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar