68 Hilarious Dale Gribble Quotes for Fans of ‘King Of The Hill’

Dale Gribble is a character from the animated series “King of the Hill.”

Voiced by Johnny Hardwick, he’s an exterminator, bounty hunter, chain smoker and conspiracy theorist.

Originally, Daniel Stern was approached for the role but turned it down due to insufficient pay.

Stephen Root also auditioned but felt it wasn’t a fit. The role eventually went to Hardwick. Dale’s familial relationships are complicated.

Dale Gribble

He was estranged from his father, Bug Gribble, after seeing Bug kiss Dale’s wife, Nancy. This kiss, intended to conceal Bug’s homosexuality, led to a 20-year misunderstanding.

The truth emerged during an episode where Dale and friends attended his father’s gay rodeo.

Dale’s relationship with his wife is also layered. He’s oblivious to her long-standing affair with John Redcorn and believes their son, Joseph, is his biological child, despite Joseph’s resemblance to Redcorn.

Dale’s naiveté is recurrent, often interpreting situations completely differently from reality, as shown in his various visions and interpretations.

I have outlined the best quotes by Dale Gribble.

Best Dale Gribble Quotes

Open up your eyes, man. They’re trying to control global warming. Get It? Global. ~ Dale Gribble.

I don’t know what to do with my hands. That’s why I smoke. ~ Dale Gribble.

What would you do with unlimited free time and no income? ~ Dale Gribble.

Love train! Woo, woo! ~ Dale Gribble.


Oh, I’ll add the softener on the ding. ~ Dale Gribble.

Are you attempting to know me? ~ Dale Gribble.

Are you seeing another exterminator! Is he licensed? Is he bonded? Is that what you want, someone who’s licensed and bonded? ~ Dale Gribble.

I hear Mega Lo Mart is taking bids for a rat problem. Boy, that’d be a sweet gig. I could finally start paying for Nancy’s health insurance instead of just telling Nancy I’m paying for it. ~ Dale Gribble.

Hank, it sounds like you did everything right except giving away my kidney. And since I traded it for a bunch of kiddie toys, I guess we both let me down. ~ Dale Gribble.

I sure hope they have cigarettes in hell. ~ Dale Gribble.

Top Dale Gribble Quotes

Computers don’t make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as ‘the Beast.’ ~ Dale Gribble.

Computers have already beaten the communists at chess. Next thing you know, they’ll be beating humans. ~ Dale Gribble.

This tornado’s already registered a level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door, two barn doors if one of them’s open. ~ Dale Gribble.

You don’t know who I am, but I know where you live, and you better cut it out if you know what’s good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00. ~ Dale Gribble.

That makes a whole lot of sense. A whole lot of nonsense! ~ Dale Gribble.

Get away from my wife or next time I’ll aim for the mannequin and hit you. ~ Dale Gribble.

I give you one little thing to do, and you screw it up! ~ Dale Gribble.

They’re gorgeous, now let’s talk turkey. If you want my kidney, I gotta get something in return. ~ Dale Gribble.

If you want, I’ll show you how to make a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite. ~ Dale Gribble.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I’m serious. ~ Dale Gribble.

They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear, but they’re too late! ~ Dale Gribble.

Hank, I can see your house from up here. ~ Dale Gribble.

I’m all jacked up on America right now! Anyone want to hear me recite the Constitution? ~ Dale Gribble.

I’m skeptical that you could, yet intrigued that you might. ~ Dale Gribble.

Famous Dale Gribble Quotes

Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn’s gay, and I’ve been friends with him for years! ~ Dale Gribble.

I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny. ~ Dale Gribble.


Not as slow as if you’re dead. ~ Dale Gribble.

First off, I reserve the right to call you twenty-four hours a day to prove to people that I know you. I do not play favorites with my organs. If you take my kidney on vacation, my other organs go too. And finally, I want you to put the Dale’s Dead-Bug on top of your racer. ~ Dale Gribble.

Are you an alien? Because you’ve just abducted my heart. ~ Dale Gribble.

Whoa, hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. ~ Dale Gribble.

Well, I saw that coming. And yet, I did nothing to stop it. Why do I fear success? ~ Dale Gribble.

Heh, that’s what they want you to think. ~ Dale Gribble.

Hilarious Dale Gribble Quotes

You have bully-ragged this production and stifled my creativity from Day One. It is now Day Two. I quit! ~ Dale Gribble.

The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They’re tired of being eaten, and now they’re fighting back. ~ Dale Gribble.

That’s a Gribble of an idea! ~ Dale Gribble.

Guns don’t kill people. The government does. ~ Dale Gribble.

She is my wife. She is my lover. She is the mother of my child. She is my raisin de tray. ~ Dale Gribble.

You’re like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. You’re only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed. ~ Dale Gribble.

Count me out. The vast majority of unauthorized face removals happen to people in hospitals. ~ Dale Gribble.

That’s code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature’s going to be in their outdoors. I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We’ll grow oranges in Alaska. ~ Dale Gribble.

We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best, and the antidepressants are making my mouth dry and happy. ~ Dale Gribble.

People say he fried his brain one day staring at the sun. ‘Course, he couldn’t have been too smart to do that in the first place. Kind of a chicken-egg thing. ~ Dale Gribble.

If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse’s mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry! ~ Dale Gribble.

Well, Joseph went to his first sleepover last night. Didn’t go so well, he’s a cuddler, so I had to go pick him up. ~ Dale Gribble.

She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and I want her back more than anything. If anything, I owe Manitoba money for the loveliness my second-hand smoke has bestowed upon my Nancy. ~ Dale Gribble.

A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it ‘Humpty’s Revenge.’ ~ Dale Gribble.

This is my business line. Answer it only between 9:08 and 9:23. ~ Dale Gribble.

Joseph, I understand you smoked your first cigarette today. ~ Dale Gribble.

Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy? ~ Dale Gribble.

Thoughtful Dale Gribble Quotes

All right, twister. It’s just you and me now. Ten years ago, you took my shed. Did you think I’d forget that? Come on, bring it on! No! Please, let me go! ~ Dale Gribble.

A man breaks into your house, but you don’t own a gun. How are you going to shoot him? ~ Dale Gribble.

The only thing your roommates will understand is fear. It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat’s blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat’s blood. It’s a perfect plan. ~ Dale Gribble.

Oh, I needn’t, shouldn’t I? And maybe I should not know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a five thousand dollar insurance policy. ~ Dale Gribble.

So it turns out I’m not the actual Dale Gribble, but a clone of him. The original Dale Gribble is a super-warrior from the year 2087. The second me, i.e., I, was created to help the first me fight the invading Mongol armies. ~ Dale Gribble.

They’ll probably get you with a blow-dart; that’s their way. But you’ll just think it’s a mosquito bite until you die, then you’ll know the truth. ~ Dale Gribble.

Pocket sand! Sh-sh-sha! ~ Dale Gribble.

Why is it always about asses with you, Hank? ~ Dale Gribble.

What d’ya got under the foil, Mr Party Pooper, some party poop? ~ Dale Gribble.

That silent treatment won’t work on me. I don’t need you to talk to. I’ve got my thoughts. I can’t be alone with my thoughts!! You’ve heard them! ~ Dale Gribble.

Funny Dale Gribble Quotes

Run, Hank! Portal to Hell! ~ Dale Gribble.

I thought we agreed to never discuss the horrors we saw on the killing fields of the Family Fun Center. ~ Dale Gribble.

Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill, and rightfully so, these people are nuts! ~ Dale Gribble.

I know what’s wrong with it. It’s a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don’t ya? It stands for ‘Fix it again, Tony.’ ~ Dale Gribble.


Damn, the stuff! Stuff is my weakness! ~ Dale Gribble.

My name is Shackleford, Rusty Shackleford. ~ Dale Gribble.

Boil up some Mountain Dew; it’s gonna be a long night. ~ Dale Gribble.

You have to make sure that nothing happens to me, that no one steals my brain. Or if they do, they replace it with one of equal or greater value. ~ Dale Gribble.

Get in line. ~ Dale Gribble.

So these were the 68 top Dale Gribble quotes that are funny and hilarious.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Morticia Addams quotes and Zapp Brannigan quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar