Lewis Black is a famous stand-up comedian and actor from the United States.


Best Lewis Black Quotes

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If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school. ~ Lewis Black.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You’re made of stronger stuff than ice cream. ~ Lewis Black.

I’m constantly in fear of having a stroke. ~ Lewis Black.

It’s a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It’s not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. ~ Lewis Black.

If I get a week off, I’ll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I’ll do that five days in a row. ~ Lewis Black.

I’m always amazed when I hear people saying; That George Bush, he’s a great leader. And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional? ~ Lewis Black.

Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone. ~ Lewis Black.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it’s tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger. ~ Lewis Black.

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow – together! And I hadn’t done drugs. ~ Lewis Black.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you’re still rich. ~ Lewis Black.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake. ~ Lewis Black.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of NO ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of BAD ideas. ~ Lewis Black.

People would be a lot better off if they’d enjoy being single. ~ Lewis Black.

Funny Lewis Black Quotes

It’s great that we’re bringing democracy to Iraq. I can’t wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks? ~ Lewis Black.

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York. ~ Lewis Black.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. ~ Lewis Black.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I’m concerned. ~ Lewis Black.

Just relax and breathe through your ass. ~ Lewis Black.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it’s just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that’s the reason my act has become more political. I’ve become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I’ve watched is staggering. ~ Lewis Black.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you’re crazy. You are not. They are idiots. ~ Lewis Black.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I’d read War and Peace four times. ~ Lewis Black.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out. ~ Lewis Black.

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. ~ Lewis Black.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. ~ Lewis Black.

I don’t need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. ~ Lewis Black.

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Do you know what ‘meteorologist’ means in English? It means liar. ~ Lewis Black.

Nobody in college races home and says, ‘I can’t wait to see the news! I can’t wait to see who CBS is going to hire!’ ~ Lewis Black.

Hilarious Lewis Black Quotes

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain? ~ Lewis Black.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don’t know how much older I can get. ~ Lewis Black.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler. ~ Lewis Black.

The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. ~ Lewis Black.

Now, most of the time you couldn’t be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn’t have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits. ~ Lewis Black.

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know – because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful. ~ Lewis Black.

That’s the funny thing about religion: it doesn’t matter what you say, you’re going to upset someone. ~ Lewis Black.

I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it’s 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don’t. ~ Lewis Black.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from. ~ Lewis Black.

If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass. ~ Lewis Black.

Funniest Lewis Black Quotes

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster. ~ Lewis Black.

If you’re going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you’d better be sure that God has faith in them. ~ Lewis Black.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes’. ~ Lewis Black.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college. ~ Lewis Black.

When I’m funny is when I’m angriest. ~ Lewis Black.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning. ~ Lewis Black.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work. ~ Lewis Black.

When from behind me, a young woman of 25 uttered the following, it was the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life until Dan Quayle was elected Vice President of the United States. She said, if it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college. ~ Lewis Black.

I’m not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I’m not. So it’s hard for me to come up with things, because I don’t write stuff, I don’t write my act down. ~ Lewis Black.

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass. ~ Lewis Black.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person. ~ Lewis Black.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out. ~ Lewis Black.

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have. ~ Lewis Black.

Humorous Lewis Black Quotes

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. ~ Lewis Black.

I have N’Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell. ~ Lewis Black.

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes. ~ Lewis Black.

There’s a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don’t think that’s what Christ was talking about. ~ Lewis Black.

There should be a law that you can’t shut down the government – that you don’t have that power. ~ Lewis Black.

It’s a shame cars don’t run on cognitive dissonance. ~ Lewis Black.

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I never write anything down. I write onstage. ~ Lewis Black.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. ~ Lewis Black.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. ~ Lewis Black.

You know. I don’t think I’m gonna be Jewish for very long. ~ Lewis Black.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker. ~ Lewis Black.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn’t make Midwesterners feel icky! ~ Lewis Black.

We don’t have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons – let’s find it! ~ Lewis Black.

It’s 2003. Why can’t I teleport? ~ Lewis Black.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday! ~ Lewis Black.

If you want to elect Bush, that’s the prick that I’m gonna yell about. If you want to elect John Kerry, I’m gonna be yelling about him. My problem is with authority. ~ Lewis Black.

Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel. ~ Lewis Black.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don’t have to show up to work until 14 hours later. ~ Lewis Black.

Top Lewis Black Quotes

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We’ll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: ‘Did I have a thought today?’ You’ll have to go to your ‘Thought’ app! ~ Lewis Black.

I’m not a big birthday guy; I never have been. ~ Lewis Black.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. ~ Lewis Black.

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas. ~ Lewis Black.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes. ~ Lewis Black.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling “The British are coming! The British are coming!” ~ Lewis Black.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she’ll feel better about herself because she’d been in such a bad marriage. ~ Lewis Black.

I’ve always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, “You want to go to this party and do some networking?” ~ Lewis Black.

He smiles so much, I don’t think he has a central nervous system. ~ Lewis Black.

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless. ~ Lewis Black.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. ~ Lewis Black.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!! ~ Lewis Black.

Famous Lewis Black Quotes

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I’m still going to be rich. ~ Lewis Black.

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. ~ Lewis Black.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head. I love music because it’s really just – I tried to play piano as a kid. I was awful. It didn’t help, and this is absolutely true, that my piano teacher had arthritis. And that’s not a good way to learn. ~ Lewis Black.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that’s on its back and can’t get up; you can’t make jokes about that. ~ Lewis Black.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. ~ Lewis Black.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken! ~ Lewis Black.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks. ~ Lewis Black.

I am Batman. That’s who I am, who are you? ~ Lewis Black.

Witty Lewis Black Quotes

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that’s the truth. ~ Lewis Black.

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Self-love is a big part of golf. ~ Lewis Black.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn’t funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, ‘What did he say?’ ~ Lewis Black.

Parenting isn’t just parenting your own child. ~ Lewis Black.

You want to know what it’s like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don’t stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over. ~ Lewis Black.

Online, there’s no time. It’s always Christmas. ~ Lewis Black.


So these were 95 top Lewis Black quotes, sayings, jokes and one liners from the King of the Rant.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Chris Tucker quotes and Gabriel Iglesias quotes.