140 Hilarious and Funny Steven Wright Quotes and One Liners

Steven Wright, born in Cambridge, Massachusetts in 1955 and raised in Boston, is a multifaceted artist known for his distinctive dry humor, delivered in monotone.

Inspired by late-night shows, particularly The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Wright pursued comedy in his early 20s.

Steven gained prominence after his 1982 appearance on ‘The Tonight Show’ and subsequent guest spots on shows like Saturday Night Live and Late Night with David Letterman.

Wright’s debut comedy album, I Have a Pony, was Grammy-nominated in 1986.

Apart from comedy, Wright made his mark in the film industry, winning an Oscar for Best Live Action Short Film in 1989 for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings.


Related: Sebastian Maniscalco Quotes from American Stand-up Comedian and Tom Segura Quotes from American Stand-up Comedian

His acting credits include roles in Natural Born Killers and Canadian Bacon, among others.

He’s also a painter, songwriter, guitarist and author of a fiction story published in Rolling Stone Magazine.

After years in New York and Los Angeles, Wright returned to Boston in 2002 and continues to perform stand-up comedy.

Best Steven Wright Quotes


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. ~ Steven Wright.

How come abbreviated is such a long word? ~ Steven Wright.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. ~ Steven Wright.

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic? ~ Steven Wright.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. ~ Steven Wright.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. ~ Steven Wright.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. ~ Steven Wright.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ~ Steven Wright.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. ~ Steven Wright.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. ~ Steven Wright.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. ~ Steven Wright.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. ~ Steven Wright.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself. ~ Steven Wright.

Half the people you know are below average. ~ Steven Wright.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. ~ Steven Wright.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ~ Steven Wright.

Funny Steven Wright Quotes

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. ~ Steven Wright.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~ Steven Wright.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. ~ Steven Wright.


Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. ~ Steven Wright.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. ~ Steven Wright.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. ~ Steven Wright.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. ~ Steven Wright.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark? ~ Steven Wright.

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… ~ Steven Wright.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ~ Steven Wright.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. ~ Steven Wright.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone. ~ Steven Wright.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell. ~ Steven Wright.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. ~ Steven Wright.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? ~ Steven Wright.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. ~ Steven Wright.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ~ Steven Wright.


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? ~ Steven Wright.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. ~ Steven Wright.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? ~ Steven Wright.

Hilarious Steven Wright Quotes

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ~ Steven Wright.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? ~ Steven Wright.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. ~ Steven Wright.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. ~ Steven Wright.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ~ Steven Wright.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? ~ Steven Wright.

What a nice night for an evening. ~ Steven Wright.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. ~ Steven Wright.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? ~ Steven Wright.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. ~ Steven Wright.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety. ~ Steven Wright.


I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~ Steven Wright.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. ~ Steven Wright.

Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f? ~ Steven Wright.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote. ~ Steven Wright.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now. ~ Steven Wright.

Witty Steven Wright Quotes

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. ~ Steven Wright.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t. ~ Steven Wright.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. ~ Steven Wright.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again. ~ Steven Wright.

Do you have any toy train schedules? ~ Steven Wright.

A fool and his money are soon partying. ~ Steven Wright.

Humorous Steven Wright Quotes

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start… ~ Steven Wright.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ~ Steven Wright.

Does fuzzy logic tickle? ~ Steven Wright.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. ~ Steven Wright.


What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~ Steven Wright.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. ~ Steven Wright.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. ~ Steven Wright.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! ~ Steven Wright.

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out. ~ Steven Wright.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. ~ Steven Wright.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. ~ Steven Wright.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. ~ Steven Wright.

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door? ~ Steven Wright.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. ~ Steven Wright.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. ~ Steven Wright.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. ~ Steven Wright.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ~ Steven Wright.

I washed mud off of mud. ~ Steven Wright.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. ~ Steven Wright.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? ~ Steven Wright.

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. ~ Steven Wright.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. ~ Steven Wright.

Top Steven Wright Quotes

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? ~ Steven Wright.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. ~ Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? ~ Steven Wright.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. ~ Steven Wright.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost. ~ Steven Wright.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. ~ Steven Wright.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ~ Steven Wright.

The speed of time is one second per second. ~ Steven Wright.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. ~ Steven Wright.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? ~ Steven Wright.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m a peripheral visionary. ~ Steven Wright.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add. ~ Steven Wright.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. ~ Steven Wright.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them. ~ Steven Wright.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s?? ~ Steven Wright.

I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it. ~ Steven Wright.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. ~ Steven Wright.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. ~ Steven Wright.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. ~ Steven Wright.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ~ Steven Wright.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. ~ Steven Wright.

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. ~ Steven Wright.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. ~ Steven Wright.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. ~ Steven Wright.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. ~ Steven Wright.

It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. ~ Steven Wright.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. ~ Steven Wright.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. ~ Steven Wright.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back. ~ Steven Wright.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? ~ Steven Wright.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. ~ Steven Wright.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ~ Steven Wright.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. ~ Steven Wright.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. ~ Steven Wright.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. ~ Steven Wright.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? ~ Steven Wright.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ~ Steven Wright.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route. ~ Steven Wright.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? ~ Steven Wright.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ~ Steven Wright.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ~ Steven Wright.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? ~ Steven Wright.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. ~ Steven Wright.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ Steven Wright.


No one is listening until you make a mistake. ~ Steven Wright.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. ~ Steven Wright.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ~ Steven Wright.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~ Steven Wright.

43.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. ~ Steven Wright.

So these were the 140 funniest Steven Wright quotes for you to enjoy.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Jordan Peterson quotes and Horace Mann quotes.

Short Biography of Steven Wright

Steven Wright, an American comic known for his slow, deadpan humor, made a mark with his ironic and philosophical jokes.

140 Hilarious and Funny Steven Wright Quotes and One Liners

Born in Cambridge, Massachusetts, he grew up in Burlington and later attended Emerson College.

Wright started his stand-up career in Boston in 1979, quickly gaining fame after appearing on “The Tonight Show.”

Full Name Steven Alexander Wright
Born 6 December 1955 (age 68 years), Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States
Books Harold
Parents Lucille Lomano, Alexander K. Wright
Medium Stand-up; Film; Television
Genres Anti-Humor, Deadpan, One-liners, Wit/Word Play, Non Sequitur, Observational Comedy, Musical Comedy
Website stevenwright.com
Years active 1978–present

His 1985 album “I Have a Pony” led to an HBO special, boosting his career.

Wright won an Oscar for his short film “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings” and earned Emmy nods for producing “Louie.”

He’s also acted in series like “Horace and Pete” and continued his stand-up, contributing significantly to comedy with his unique style.

Quick Facts about Steven Wright

  • Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian and actor.
  • He’s known for his deadpan style and unique comedy.
  • Born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  • Wright grew up in a creative family.
  • He broke through in the 1980s on “The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.”
  • Famous for deadpan humor and a monotone voice.
  • His comedy includes absurd and surreal observations.
  • Released comedy albums like “I Have a Pony” and “I Still Have a Pony.”
  • Wright’s humorous quotes are widely celebrated.
  • Appeared in films and TV shows like “Reservoir Dogs” and “Louie.”
  • Won an Academy Award for “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings” in 1989.
  • Received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2011.
  • Known for a dry sense of humor offstage too.
  • Guested on late-night shows like “The Late Show with David Letterman.”
  • His comedy transcends language barriers.
  • Known for meticulous joke crafting.
  • Explores life’s absurdities in his comedy.
  • Has a distinctive on-stage presence with disheveled hair.
  • Influenced many aspiring comedians.
  • Continues to tour and perform stand-up.
  • His comedy appeals to all generations.
  • Ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in 2017.
  • Nominated for two Primetime Emmy Awards as a producer of “Louie.”
  • Had a supporting role in the Peabody Award-winning “Horace and Pete.”
  • Attended Middlesex Community College and Emerson College.
  • Started stand-up comedy in 1979 in Boston.
  • Cites George Carlin and Woody Allen as influences.
  • Impressed Johnny Carson and was quickly re-invited to “The Tonight Show.”
  • “I Have a Pony” was nominated for a Grammy Award.
  • Won an Oscar for “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings” and joked about cutting 60 minutes from the film.

Top Questions about Steven Wright

Q: What is Steven Wright known for in his comedy style?

A: Steven Wright is known for his unique lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic and philosophical jokes.

Q: When was Steven Wright born and where is he from?

A: Steven Wright was born on December 6, 1955, in Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA.

Q: What significant award did Steven Wright win for his work in the film industry?

A: Steven Wright won the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings.”

Q: Where did Steven Wright grow up?

A: Steven Wright grew up in Burlington, Massachusetts.

Q: What educational path did Steven Wright follow before entering the comedy scene?

A: Steven Wright earned his associate degree from Middlesex Community College and then graduated from Emerson College in 1978.

Q: How did Steven Wright first get noticed by the mainstream media?

A: Steven Wright got noticed when Peter Lassally, executive producer of The Tonight Show, saw his performance and booked him on the show.

Q: What was the name of Steven Wright’s 1985 comedy album that earned him a Grammy nomination?

A: Steven Wright’s 1985 comedy album was called “I Have a Pony.”

Q: What unique venue did Steven Wright describe as “half Chinese restaurant and half comedy club”?

A: Steven Wright described the Ding Ho comedy club as “half Chinese restaurant and half comedy club.”

Q: How is Steven Wright connected to Quentin Tarantino’s film “Reservoir Dogs”?

A: Steven Wright supplied the voice of the radio DJ in “Reservoir Dogs,” thanks to a recommendation by Dean Parisot’s wife, Sally Menke, who was Tarantino’s editor.

Q: What theme does Steven Wright’s 30-minute short “One Soldier” explore?

A: “One Soldier” explores existentialist themes, including questions about the existence of God, through the lens of a Civil War soldier.

Q: What special did Steven Wright produce in 2006, marking his return to stand-up specials after 16 years?

A: In 2006, Steven Wright produced “Steven Wright: When the Leaves Blow Away.”

Q: Which comedy album did Steven Wright release in 2007, and what was its connection to his previous special?

A: In 2007, Steven Wright released “I Still Have a Pony,” which contained material from “When The Leaves Blow Away.”

Q: When was Steven Wright inducted into the Boston Comedy Hall of Fame?

A: Steven Wright was inducted into the Boston Comedy Hall of Fame on December 15, 2008.

Q: What other creative outlet does Steven Wright pursue aside from comedy?

A: Steven Wright also has an interest in painting and music.

Q: What role did Steven Wright have in the web series “Horace and Pete”?

A: Steven Wright had a supporting role as Leon in “Horace and Pete.”

Q: What prestigious ranking did Rolling Stone give Steven Wright in 2017?

A: Rolling Stone ranked Steven Wright as the 15th Greatest Comedian in 2017.

Q: What makes Steven Wright’s comedy stand out?

A: Steven Wright is famous for his monotone voice and deadpan style, delivering jokes that blend dry humor with quirky and unexpected twists.

Q: Has Steven Wright received any notable awards for his work?

A: Yes, Steven Wright won an Oscar for Best Short Film, Live Action for “The Appointments of Dennis Jennings” in 1989.

Q: Besides stand-up, what other types of work has Steven Wright done?

A: Wright has expanded his career into acting and writing, appearing on shows like “The Tonight Show” and “Late Night with David Letterman,” and participating in various film and TV projects.

Q: How would you describe the essence of Steven Wright’s comedy?

A: Wright’s comedy is characterized by a unique blend of deadpan delivery and clever, offbeat humor, often featuring unexpected punchlines.

Q: Is Steven Wright still active in his comedy career?

A: Yes, Steven Wright remains active, performing stand-up and making appearances in TV shows and movies.

Q: Does Steven Wright create his own comedy material?

A: Absolutely, Steven Wright is well-known for crafting his distinctive comedic content, drawing from his own observations and thoughts.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar