Steven Wright is a famous actor, writer, and film producer from the United States.

Best Steven Wright Quotes

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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. ~ Steven Wright.

How come abbreviated is such a long word? ~ Steven Wright.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. ~ Steven Wright.

Why are there five syllables in the word monosyllabic? ~ Steven Wright.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. ~ Steven Wright.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. ~ Steven Wright.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. ~ Steven Wright.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ~ Steven Wright.

If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. ~ Steven Wright.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. ~ Steven Wright.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. ~ Steven Wright.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. ~ Steven Wright.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself. ~ Steven Wright.

Half the people you know are below average. ~ Steven Wright.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. ~ Steven Wright.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. ~ Steven Wright.

Funny Steven Wright Quotes

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~ Steven Wright.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. ~ Steven Wright.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. ~ Steven Wright.

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Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. ~ Steven Wright.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. ~ Steven Wright.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. ~ Steven Wright.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. ~ Steven Wright.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark? ~ Steven Wright.

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… ~ Steven Wright.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. ~ Steven Wright.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. ~ Steven Wright.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone. ~ Steven Wright.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell. ~ Steven Wright.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. ~ Steven Wright.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? ~ Steven Wright.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. ~ Steven Wright.

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ~ Steven Wright.

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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? ~ Steven Wright.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. ~ Steven Wright.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? ~ Steven Wright.

Hilarious Steven Wright Quotes

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ~ Steven Wright.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? ~ Steven Wright.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. ~ Steven Wright.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. ~ Steven Wright.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ~ Steven Wright.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? ~ Steven Wright.

What a nice night for an evening. ~ Steven Wright.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. ~ Steven Wright.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? ~ Steven Wright.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? ~ Steven Wright.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. ~ Steven Wright.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety. ~ Steven Wright.

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~ Steven Wright.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. ~ Steven Wright.

Why isn’t the word phonetically spelled with an f? ~ Steven Wright.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote. ~ Steven Wright.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now. ~ Steven Wright.

Witty Steven Wright Quotes

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. ~ Steven Wright.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn’t. ~ Steven Wright.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. ~ Steven Wright.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again. ~ Steven Wright.

Do you have any toy train schedules? ~ Steven Wright.

A fool and his money are soon partying. ~ Steven Wright.

Humorous Steven Wright Quotes

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start… ~ Steven Wright.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. ~ Steven Wright.

Does fuzzy logic tickle? ~ Steven Wright.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. ~ Steven Wright.

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What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~ Steven Wright.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. ~ Steven Wright.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. ~ Steven Wright.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! ~ Steven Wright.

It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out. ~ Steven Wright.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. ~ Steven Wright.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. ~ Steven Wright.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. ~ Steven Wright.

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door? ~ Steven Wright.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. ~ Steven Wright.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. ~ Steven Wright.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. ~ Steven Wright.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? ~ Steven Wright.

I washed mud off of mud. ~ Steven Wright.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. ~ Steven Wright.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? ~ Steven Wright.

For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. ~ Steven Wright.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. ~ Steven Wright.

Top Steven Wright Quotes

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? ~ Steven Wright.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. ~ Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? ~ Steven Wright.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. ~ Steven Wright.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost. ~ Steven Wright.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. ~ Steven Wright.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. ~ Steven Wright.

The speed of time is one second per second. ~ Steven Wright.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. ~ Steven Wright.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? ~ Steven Wright.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m a peripheral visionary. ~ Steven Wright.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add. ~ Steven Wright.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. ~ Steven Wright.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them. ~ Steven Wright.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ’4’s?? ~ Steven Wright.

I just got this new camera. It’s very advanced – you don’t even need it. ~ Steven Wright.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. ~ Steven Wright.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. ~ Steven Wright.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget. ~ Steven Wright.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. ~ Steven Wright.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ~ Steven Wright.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. ~ Steven Wright.

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. ~ Steven Wright.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving. ~ Steven Wright.

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. ~ Steven Wright.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. ~ Steven Wright.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. ~ Steven Wright.

It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. ~ Steven Wright.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. ~ Steven Wright.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing. ~ Steven Wright.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back. ~ Steven Wright.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? ~ Steven Wright.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. ~ Steven Wright.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ~ Steven Wright.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. ~ Steven Wright.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. ~ Steven Wright.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. ~ Steven Wright.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? ~ Steven Wright.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ~ Steven Wright.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route. ~ Steven Wright.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? ~ Steven Wright.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ~ Steven Wright.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. ~ Steven Wright.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? ~ Steven Wright.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. ~ Steven Wright.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. ~ Steven Wright.

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No one is listening until you make a mistake. ~ Steven Wright.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. ~ Steven Wright.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ~ Steven Wright.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~ Steven Wright.

43.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. ~ Steven Wright.

So these were the 140 funniest Steven Wright quotes for you to enjoy.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Jordan Peterson quotes and Horace Mann quotes.