43 Tom Segura Quotes from American Stand-up Comedian

Born on April 16, 1979, Tom Segura is a multi-talented American stand-up comedian, writer, author, actor and podcaster.

A native of Cincinnati, Ohio, Segura has Peruvian and French-Canadian heritage and grew up bilingual.

He spent his summers in Lima, Peru and graduated from Lenoir-Rhyne University in North Carolina after a stint at Saint Edward’s School in Florida.


Notably, at 19, he endured a brief coma after overdosing on GHB. Segura has captivated audiences with his Netflix specials including “Ball Hog,” “Disgraceful,” “Completely Normal,” and “Mostly Stories.”

These specials have not only earned critical acclaim but also cemented his fan base.

Alongside his wife, comedian Christina Pazsitzky, Segura co-hosts the popular “Your Mom’s House” podcast.

Related: Bob Saget Quotes from the American Stand-up Comedian and Trevor Noah Quotes from Famous Comedian

He also collaborates with comedian Bert Kreischer on the podcast “Two Bears One Cave.”

Segura’s unique style of humor, featuring a deadpan delivery, has established him as a leading figure in comedy.

Besides, he has acted in movies such as “Countdown” (2019), “Instant Family” (2018) and “Cutman” (2009).

Here is a curated collection of most funny quotes by Tom Segura.

Best Tom Segura Quotes


I could see myself being on a TV show, but I think touring is something I’ll always do. ~ Tom Segura.


Sleep is important for a comic – like it is for a lot of people. ~ Tom Segura.


You should make travel as comfortable as possible. ~ Tom Segura.


When you’re a comic doing a special, it’s like you’re directing your first movie. ~ Tom Segura.


I think I’m a decent person. ~ Tom Segura.

When you tour as much as I do, you’re always on the road, and you tend to gravitate toward cities where you’re like, ‘Every time I’m in that city, the shows are fun.’ ~ Tom Segura.


Every person learns with time and experience. ~ Tom Segura.


I’m not the nicest guy on stage. ~ Tom Segura.

I don’t like big events and crowded areas. I’m almost a curmudgeonly old man in that aspect. I’ve been like that forever. ~ Tom Segura.

I think being funny was a coping mechanism because I was always the new kid in school. ~ Tom Segura.


I’ll never be a TV writer. ~ Tom Segura.

You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited ‘pig-tential.’ ~ Tom Segura.

Top Tom Segura Quotes

It’s fun when you’ve opened for someone at a venue, and then years go by, and now you’re headlining. ~ Tom Segura.


I’m a sarcastic, observational storyteller. ~ Tom Segura.

A lot of times, you land in a city, and you’re like, ‘This is not my people.’ I’m gonna do the show, but you don’t feel like this is for you. And then, some places, you just go and just fall into a groove, and you’re like, ‘This feels right.’ ~ Tom Segura.

I’ve always worked toward, and felt comfortable with, you know, pausing and guiding the audience on a longer bit. ~ Tom Segura.

I like my shame straight up and honest, and nobody does it better than In-N-Out Burger. You go to In-N-Out Burger, and they ask you the most shameful question in fast food. ‘I’ll have a burger, fries and a Coke.’ ‘Will you be eating in the car?’ ‘Yeah. I think so.’ ~ Tom Segura.


Traveling with kids is tough. My best advice is don’t do it. ~ Tom Segura.

I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Like, all my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth. ~ Tom Segura.

I always like it when I eat myself out of breath. That’s a good boost to my day. You know, I’m eating, and I go, ‘Oooohhh.’ It’s better a few moments later when you get to think about it, when you’re like, ‘Why did I just stop to take a deep breath? Oh yeah, my body also needs air.’ ~ Tom Segura.

When you shoot a special, you have no idea what’s going to happen, and the fact that I got to do the first one with Comedy Dynamics was a roll of the dice. It was a game changer for me professionally. ~ Tom Segura.


Standup is essentially part of your personality with the volume turned up. ~ Tom Segura.

I’m definitely a jaded traveler, but you try to make the best of what you know about the experience. Like, I know how to pack a bag. I know that checking a bag is for rookies. ~ Tom Segura.

I don’t want to lose weight to live long or be healthy. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again and know for sure that they’re fatter than me. ~ Tom Segura.


I used to do much shorter jokes a lot more. ~ Tom Segura.

It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them. ~ Tom Segura.

You get such a visceral thrill driving a race car. You think you’ve driven, and then you’re like, ‘Oh, I was doing something for 20 years that I didn’t realize I hadn’t experienced the real version of.’ ~ Tom Segura.

People will say, ‘What’s your favorite part of Cincinnati?’ I’m like, ‘I was nine, man. I liked recess and having snacks. I didn’t go anywhere. I was a kid.’ ~ Tom Segura.


I would trade 20 white babies for an Asian baby. If I’m ever rich, I want a closet full of Asian babies. And I’ll just pull them out whenever I’m feeling down, you know? All kinds. Korean ones. Chinese ones. Vietnamese – not so much. My dad was in the war, and I hold a grudge. ~ Tom Segura.

I know there are a lot of comics that put their kids all over social media, but I think it’s weird. There are over 100,000 people following you. To me, it feels like you should probably tone that down. ~ Tom Segura.

Famous Tom Segura Quotes

I wasn’t the crazy kid bouncing off the walls, I would just sit back a make comments and I made people laugh. ~ Tom Segura.

If you’re going to wear a cowboy hat, you’re going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere. ~ Tom Segura.


The thing for me is that my natural state is to be reserved and not share. ~ Tom Segura.

I don’t switch my act up to win over the crowd. I’m more like, ‘You came here… this is what I do.’ I dig my heels in harder if I feel like they are not on board. ~ Tom Segura.

I’m really happy when I’m actively creating things. When I’m frustrated and not excited, it’s because I haven’t written anything in a month or so. ~ Tom Segura.

I was about 17 or 18 years old, and Chris Rock’s ‘Bring the Pain’ came out, and I was obsessed. You know, it just hit on everything that was going on at that time and was such an in-the-moment special, and he knocked it out of the park. ~ Tom Segura.


I’ve never been a big party guy or super social. ~ Tom Segura.

Here’s some advice: if something really embarrassing happens to your kid, don’t take it on national TV. ~ Tom Segura.

Vancouver just feels comfortable to me. ~ Tom Segura.

I think, to be a great conversationalist, you need to be interested in being in said conversation. Oddly enough, I think you need to be a great listener, and I do think I’m a good listener. I think that’s my asset – I always listen to people when I talk to them, and that’s a big thing you have to have in life and in podcasts. ~ Tom Segura.

So these were the 43 top quotes about Tom Segura.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Carli Lloyd quotes and Sebastian Maniscalco quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar