105 Bob Hope Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings from Great Comedian

Bob Hope, born Leslie Townes Hope in 1903 in Eltham, England, is widely celebrated for his sharp wit and rapid-fire jokes.

Moving to Ohio in 1907, he became an American citizen in 1908. Beginning his career in vaudeville, Hope seamlessly transitioned into radio, television and film.

He’s best known for the popular “Road to…” movie series, co-starring Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour.


Moreover, Hope’s tireless commitment to the United Service Organizations (USO), through which he entertained American troops overseas for several decades, earned him the title of the first “Honorary Veteran” in U.S. history.

After receiving numerous accolades for his contributions to entertainment, Hope retired in 1998.

Related: Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings and Ricky Gervais Quotes, Sayings and One-Liners

He passed away in 2003, leaving behind a legacy of laughter and service.

Here are some of the best quotes from Bob Hope for you.

Best Bob Hope Quotes


Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I’ve never heard of a clean one. ~ Bob Hope.

Please don’t stand up on my account. ~ Bob Hope.

I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. ~ Bob Hope.

I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage. ~ Bob Hope.

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope.

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass. ~ Bob Hope.

Lots of travel, away from home. ~ Bob Hope.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair. ~ Bob Hope.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage. ~ Bob Hope.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. ~ Bob Hope.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~ Bob Hope.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it? ~ Bob Hope.

You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before. ~ Bob Hope.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. ~ Bob Hope.

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~ Bob Hope.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage – he shot both his parents and moved in. ~ Bob Hope.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minute bodies. ~ Bob Hope.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. ~ Bob Hope.

Don’t tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation. ~ Bob Hope.

Be happy you guys. Be proud! You know what you are: you’re God’s frozen people. ~ Bob Hope.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it. ~ Bob Hope.

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy. ~ Bob Hope.

Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They’re even some guys wearing them. Don’t laugh, if you had thought to of that, you’d not be here now. ~ Bob Hope.

Top Bob Hope Quotes

I don’t know what people have against government; they haven’t done anything. ~ Bob Hope.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them. ~ Bob Hope.

Today’s ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music. ~ Bob Hope.

It’s a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months after he’s dead. ~ Bob Hope.

If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~ Bob Hope.

I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere in England. ~ Bob Hope.

I have too much money invested in sweaters. ~ Bob Hope.

Chiropractic is a wonderful means of natural healing! ~ Bob Hope.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow – if Moscow has one. ~ Bob Hope.

Don’t people know that they don’t have to heckle the president of the United States? That’s what Congress is for. ~ Bob Hope.

Where else but in America could the women’s liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support? ~ Bob Hope.

Famous Bob Hope Quotes

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there. ~ Bob Hope.


Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. ~ Bob Hope.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things – not the great occasions – that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. ~ Bob Hope.

It’s not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course – you just follow the wounded. ~ Bob Hope.

With today’s movies, if we took out all the bad language, we’d go back to silent films. ~ Bob Hope.

Everyone’s nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that’s just to protect his buns. ~ Bob Hope.

It’s amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn’t sell theirs threw them away. ~ Bob Hope.

Vice President Spiro Agnew can not cheat on his score : because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded. ~ Bob Hope.

Television. That’s where movies go when they die. ~ Bob Hope.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off. ~ Bob Hope.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes. ~ Bob Hope.

Ultimate Bob Hope Quotes

We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf. ~ Bob Hope.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands. ~ Bob Hope.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, “why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?” ~ Bob Hope.

Some people put us down. But I still haven’t heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico! ~ Bob Hope.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned. ~ Bob Hope.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it’s known at my house, Passover. ~ Bob Hope.

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them. ~ Bob Hope.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. ~ Bob Hope.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees. ~ Bob Hope.

Funny Bob Hope Quotes

If you think golf is relaxing, you’re not playing it right. ~ Bob Hope.

Free speech isn’t dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers… ~ Bob Hope.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas. ~ Bob Hope.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support. ~ Bob Hope.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. ~ Bob Hope.

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them. ~ Bob Hope.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. ~ Bob Hope.

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. ~ Bob Hope.

I’d give up golf if I didn’t have so many sweaters. ~ Bob Hope.

Witty Bob Hope Quotes

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I’ll do it. ~ Bob Hope.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink. ~ Bob Hope.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He’s always had an agent for that. ~ Bob Hope.


When you get over 95, every day is your day. ~ Bob Hope.

Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at. ~ Bob Hope.

To give you an idea of how fast we traveled – we left with two rabbits and when we arrived we still had only two. ~ Bob Hope.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that’s why we have two parties. ~ Bob Hope.

I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls. ~ Bob Hope.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough. ~ Bob Hope.

Hilarious Bob Hope Quotes

I don’t know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House. ~ Bob Hope.

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King. ~ Bob Hope.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it. ~ Bob Hope.

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~ Bob Hope.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. ~ Bob Hope.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we’ll have her forever. ~ Bob Hope.

Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you’ll promise her anything. ~ Bob Hope.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. ~ Bob Hope.

I don’t do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. ~ Bob Hope.

Funniest Bob Hope Quotes

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. ~ Bob Hope.

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. ~ Bob Hope.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one. ~ Bob Hope.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn? ~ Bob Hope.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It’s going to get us out of the house after dark! ~ Bob Hope.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens. ~ Bob Hope.

They’ll always be an England, even if it’s in Hollywood. ~ Bob Hope.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn’t been touched by the war and blew it to hell. ~ Bob Hope.

Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They’re all running for the Presidency. ~ Bob Hope.

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money. ~ Bob Hope.

Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends. ~ Bob Hope.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members. ~ Bob Hope.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that? ~ Bob Hope.

Humorous Bob Hope Quotes

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons. ~ Bob Hope.


People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. ~ Bob Hope.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. ~ Bob Hope.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong. ~ Bob Hope.

President Eisenhower has given up golf for painting. It takes fewer strokes. ~ Bob Hope.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation. ~ Bob Hope.

My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade. ~ Bob Hope.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction. ~ Bob Hope.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun. ~ Bob Hope.

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom. ~ Bob Hope.

So these were 105 top Bob Hope quotes, sayings, jokes and one liners.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Dane Cook quotes and Lenny Bruce quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar