100 Best Dane Cook Quotes, Sayings, Jokes and One Liners

Dane Jeffrey Cook, an American stand-up comedian and film actor, became known for his observational and often dark humor.

His comedy albums, like “Harmful If Swallowed” and “Retaliation,” earned significant popularity, with Retaliation reaching platinum status.

Cook was one of the first comedians to leverage a personal webpage and MySpace to grow his fan base.

He has also acted in several films since 1997, including notable roles in “Employee of the Month,” “Good Luck Chuck,” and “Mr. Brooks.”

Cook broke records by performing on stage for lengthy periods, once exceeding seven hours.

Despite experiencing some controversy during his career, he continued to be a popular figure in comedy, releasing numerous successful comedy specials.

Related: Groucho Marx Quotes, Jokes and One Liners from The Greatest Comedian and Bob Hope Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings from Great Comedian

His journey started from performing stand-up in comedy clubs, hosting major shows like Saturday Night Live, to headlining at Madison Square Garden, showing his vast growth and influence in the industry.

I have made a list of the most popular quotes from Dane Cook for you.

---

Best Dane Cook Quotes

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today. ~ Dane Cook.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges. ~ Dane Cook.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke. ~ Dane Cook.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny. ~ Dane Cook.

There’s always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes. ~ Dane Cook.

I don’t laugh out loud at comics a lot. ~ Dane Cook.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I’m assuming the kids safe and we’re just focusing on the pooch. ~ Dane Cook.

When someone’s running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop. ~ Dane Cook.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person’s life, stay out of it. ~ Dane Cook.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes. ~ Dane Cook.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drive thru? ~ Dane Cook.

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster. ~ Dane Cook.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths. ~ Dane Cook.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don’t like it. ~ Dane Cook.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever. ~ Dane Cook.

Popular Dane Cook Quotes

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I’m not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something’s bad. ~ Dane Cook.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You’d be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That’s a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I’d be able to follow the story. ~ Dane Cook.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head. ~ Dane Cook.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf. ~ Dane Cook.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity. ~ Dane Cook.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer. ~ Dane Cook.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I’ll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it. ~ Dane Cook.

Top Dane Cook Quotes

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you’ve lied to the truth. It balances out your karma. ~ Dane Cook.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is. ~ Dane Cook.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow. ~ Dane Cook.

You have to realize, when you’re a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody’s personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage. ~ Dane Cook.

If haters or whatever want to find you – I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They’re very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you. ~ Dane Cook.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion. ~ Dane Cook.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers. ~ Dane Cook.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon. ~ Dane Cook.

I’m bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls. ~ Dane Cook.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He’s in jail now. ~ Dane Cook.

Famous Dane Cook Quotes

I’ve been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out. ~ Dane Cook.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable. ~ Dane Cook.

Don’t use a peanut, a peanut goes rogue. A cashew contours to the tip as if to say, “Let’s do this, I’m a cashew.” ~ Dane Cook.

Here’s how you know that you’re really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time. ~ Dane Cook.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby. ~ Dane Cook.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh. ~ Dane Cook.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you. ~ Dane Cook.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor. ~ Dane Cook.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing. ~ Dane Cook.

Ultimate Dane Cook Quotes

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it’s really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel. ~ Dane Cook.

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don’t feel a thing when you know you can still win. ~ Dane Cook.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks. ~ Dane Cook.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord. ~ Dane Cook.

It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes. ~ Dane Cook.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs. ~ Dane Cook.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I’d get into psychology. ~ Dane Cook.

I can’t do anything! I can’t even have an English muffin! ~ Dane Cook.

Funny Dane Cook Quotes

I’m curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth. ~ Dane Cook.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That’s when guys get all TBS around you because we think it’s very funny. ~ Dane Cook.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant. ~ Dane Cook.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the “Death Star.” I’m still working on it, it’s not completely operational. ~ Dane Cook.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you’re done and you’re just glowing and you’re staring at yourself. ~ Dane Cook.

When I’m wrong I’m like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he’ll turn Luke. Yet, when I’m right I’m a Jedi like my father before me. ~ Dane Cook.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you’re headed for a breakthrough moment, it’s kind of scary because you say, ‘If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.’ ~ Dane Cook.

Witty Dane Cook Quotes

When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you. ~ Dane Cook.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers. ~ Dane Cook.

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey. ~ Dane Cook.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80! ~ Dane Cook.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It’s not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic. ~ Dane Cook.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare. ~ Dane Cook.

I don’t say, “Bless you.” I say, “God bless you,” because I’m not the Lord. ~ Dane Cook.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they’ll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they’ll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: “Hey, perfect.” ~ Dane Cook.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I’m talking about breaking in and entering. ~ Dane Cook.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are. ~ Dane Cook.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter. ~ Dane Cook.

Hilarious Dane Cook Quotes

I’m not racist, I’ve got a black president. ~ Dane Cook.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker. ~ Dane Cook.

I don’t hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I’m pleasant. ~ Dane Cook.

There’s estrogen running through my veins! ~ Dane Cook.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion. ~ Dane Cook.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile! ~ Dane Cook.

When a guy says “I have no idea what you’re talking about” it means I’m thinking of exactly what you’re saying I did while I lie to you. ~ Dane Cook.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair. ~ Dane Cook.

I don’t like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities. ~ Dane Cook.

It’s an incredible feeling falling in love with someone who doesn’t know you exist. ~ Dane Cook.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky. ~ Dane Cook.

Funniest Dane Cook Quotes

Hi, I’m a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips. ~ Dane Cook.

Every joke has its origin – the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face. ~ Dane Cook.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related. ~ Dane Cook.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station. ~ Dane Cook.

Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on. ~ Dane Cook.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh. ~ Dane Cook.

I’m a late-night guy. ~ Dane Cook.

What happens in Vegas, I’m telling everyone. ~ Dane Cook.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi. ~ Dane Cook.

Humorous Dane Cook Quotes

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens. ~ Dane Cook.

I don’t like people that litter. If you don’t throw a wrapper in the trash can and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space. ~ Dane Cook.

I found someone’s passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things? ~ Dane Cook.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you’re probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit. ~ Dane Cook.

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting. ~ Dane Cook.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram. ~ Dane Cook.

I live my life like there’s no yesterday. ~ Dane Cook.

How do you fall into a lion’s den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra careful around a den of lions. ~ Dane Cook.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I’d always say ‘Why not me?’ ~ Dane Cook.

---

So these were 100 top Dane Cook quotes, jokes, sayings and one-liners.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Ricky Gervais quotes and Lenny Bruce quotes.

---

Short Biography of Dane Cook

Dane Cook, born in 1972, is an American comedian and actor famous for his edgy humor.

He gained fame with albums like “Harmful If Swallowed” and “Retaliation,” and movies like “Good Luck Chuck.”

Cook was pioneering in using the web for fan engagement. Notably, he sold out Madison Square Garden and had a platinum comedy album.

Full Name	Dane Jeffrey Cook
Born	18 March 1972 (age 51 years), Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States
Spouse	Kelsi Taylor ​(m. 2023)​
Parents	Donna Jean Ford, George F. Cook
Siblings	Darryl McCauley, Courtney Cook
Occupations	Comedian, Actor
Medium	Stand-up, Film, Television
Years active	1990–present
Genres	Observational Comedy
Subject(s)	Human Behavior, Human Sexuality, American Politics, Gender Differences
Website	danecook.com

Raised in a Catholic family in Massachusetts, Cook turned from a shy kid to a stand-up comedian during high school.

He also studied graphic design, which now influences his merchandise.

---

Quick Facts about Dane Cook

• Dane Cook was born on March 18, 1972, in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
• He kickstarted his career performing at local comedy clubs in Massachusetts.
• “Harmful If Swallowed,” his debut comedy album in 2003, marked his breakthrough.
• Cook has several successful comedy albums, including the double platinum “Retaliation.”
• Known for high energy and animated storytelling in his comedy.
• He’s appeared in films like “Employee of the Month” and “Good Luck Chuck.”
• In 2013, Cook voiced Dusty Crophopper in Disney’s “Planes.”
• Hosted “Saturday Night Live” in 2005.
• Performed sold-out shows at Madison Square Garden.
• Made a cameo in “Friends” as a deceitful boyfriend.
• Cook’s comedy draws from personal life experiences.
• Engaged in charity work with organizations like the California Fire Foundation.
• Boasts a large social media following.
• Owns a production company, “Dane Cook Entertainment.”
• Has received awards like the Comedy Central Stand-Up Comedy Award.
• Authored a memoir titled “My Son, Optimus Prime” in 2010.
• Frequent guest on talk shows including “The Tonight Show.”
• Holds a black belt in Karate.
• Sold out performances nationwide.
• Collaborated with comedians like Louis C.K. and Jay Mohr.
• Famous for his catchphrase, “Suede, it’s a fabric.”
• Performed stand-up specials on Comedy Central.
• Embarked on national and international comedy tours.
• Comedy albums have charted on the Billboard 200.
• Known for his commanding stage presence.
• Released multiple stand-up specials showcasing his comedic evolution.
• Invited to perform at prestigious comedy festivals like Just for Laughs.
• Made guest appearances on shows like “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”
• Shares content on his official YouTube channel.
• Influenced many aspiring stand-up comedians with his unique style.

---

Top Questions about Dane Cook