Are you looking for the best Zapp Brannigan quotes?

I’ve rounded up some of the famous Zapp Brannigan quotes, sayings, captions for Instagram, and status messages for you.

In the animated sitcom Futurama, Zapp Brannigan is a fictional character.

Zapp is a dedicated soldier who does his job even though he doesn’t always comprehend what it entails.

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Credit: Marvel

Despite his reputation for courage and strategic genius, it quickly becomes clear that he is misogynistic, narcissistic, and frequently cowardly and stupid.

You will find below a curated collection of popular Zapp Brannigan quotes to read and share with others.


Top 10 Zapp Brannigan Quotes

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Stop exploding, you cowards. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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I’m calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Don’t ask me; you’re the one who’s going to be dying. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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That’s for schoolgirls. Now here’s a course with some chest hair. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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You know, I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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My instinct is to hide in this barrel, like the wily fish. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, ‘the Lovenasium.’ ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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She’s built like a steak house, but she handles like a Bistro. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Funny Zapp Brannigan Quotes

Kif, I’m feeling the ‘Captain’s itch.’ ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Kif, I’m sensing a very sensual disturbance in the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Leela, it’s real velour. Just let yourself go. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Absolutely, 99% not guilty. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

We have failed to uphold Brannigan’s Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I’m asking you a question. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Cham-paggin? ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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The key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

So, a plan to assassinate a weird-looking alien with scissors. How very neutral of you. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

And which one rocked your world? ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Best Zapp Brannigan Quotes

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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I surrender and volunteer for treason. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

We know nothing about them, their language, their history, or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don’t stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

As my protege, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

She’s built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

I’ll take it. We’ll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Famous Zapp Brannigan Quotes

No, it’s noble of you, Kif. As of now, you’re in command. Congratulations, Captain. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Now that’s a wave of destruction that’s easy on the eyes! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Then what did we just blow up!? ~ Zapp Brannigan.

You win again, gravity! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Captain’s log. Stardate: The Year of the Tiger. The battle has been bravely fought, and the suffering of our troops, beyond measure. But the alien is invulnerable, and our defeat, inevitable. That much is certain, even from my remote command post here at the Times Square Applebee’s. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Oh, god, I’ve never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

I want to slap your sister with a slice of bologna. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Brannigan’s Law is like Brannigan’s love; hard and fast! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Don’t blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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It’s a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as ‘the brig.’ ~ Zapp Brannigan.

I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With enemies, you know where they stand but with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens me. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Well, I have studied abroad or two! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion-dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

You! Aren’t you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I’m anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner ravioli, ham, sundae bar. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: rock crushes scissors, but paper covers rock and scissors cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum. Search them for paper, and bring me a rock. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you’ll be doing. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Dammit, Kif! Where’s the little umbrella? That’s what makes it a scotch on the rocks. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Witty Zapp Brannigan Quotes

We both know you won’t make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you’ll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy, bam! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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When I’m in command, every mission is a suicide mission. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

The way to a woman’s bed is through her parents. Have s*x with them, and you’re in. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

What are you? Gay? ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Happy Freedom Day, ladies! Come on, show me something. Anything. Seriously, I’d take an armpit. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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What an erotic display of girl-on-girl consolation! ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Well, well. We meet again, Leela, only this time, I’m the one judging the sausage. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

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Killbots? A trifle. It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. ~ Zapp Brannigan.

Leela, you’re obviously confused and aroused. ~ Zapp Brannigan.


So these were the 63 top Zapp Brannigan quotes that are funny, witty and hilarious.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Morticia Addams quotes and Amanda Gorman quotes.

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