97 Doug Stanhope Quotes, Jokes, Sayings and One Liners

Doug Stanhope is an American comedian, author, actor, activist and podcast host known for his caustic and obscene stand-up material, delivered while drinking and his libertarian political views.

He was born in Worcester, Massachusetts, to a middle-class family. His mother, a recovering alcoholic, divorced his father when Stanhope was ten and later moved to Florida.

She eventually suffered from emphysema and requested Stanhope’s assistance in her suicide in 2008.

As a child, Stanhope drew gory and adult-themed cartoons, leading to concerns about his mental health.


He quit school at 15 and was influenced by Monty Python and National Lampoon. He worked in telemarketing before pursuing comedy full-time.

Stanhope moved multiple times before settling in Bisbee, after living in Los Angeles, Florida, Massachusetts, Oceanside, California and Idaho.

Here is a best collection of quotes by Doug Stanhope.

Best Doug Stanhope Quotes


I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I’m at. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Coward is the most misused word in our society. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid. ~ Doug Stanhope.

It’s our flaws who make us who we are. ~ Doug Stanhope.

What if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don’t want to be led. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Just for being a religion at all you’re as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Don’t eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ’em and share ’em. Then come to the show. ~ Doug Stanhope.

There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate? ~ Dough Stanhope.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it’s not a sexual thing. I’m not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive. ~ Doug Stanhope.

That place is so behind the times, you can’t even get AIDS there yet. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I don’t have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there’s really nothing you can do about it. It’s like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people’s motivation to use them. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Funny Doug Stanhope Quotes

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ’till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you get offended by words – by noises we make with our mouths – it means you were raised by bad parents. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt? ~ Doug Stanhope.

There’s nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don’t you just write it in a children’s birthday card. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Babies are like poems. They’re beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they’re silly and they’re irritating. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Artists who say that they’re artists: usually people who need a job. ~ Doug Stanhope.

There’s times to be dainty and times to be a pig. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Hilarious Doug Stanhope Quotes

I used to be a partier, now I’m an alcoholic. It’s all in who’s judging you. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Life is like a movie, if you’ve sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn’t going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I couldn’t be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you’re offended by any word in any language, it’s probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. ~ Doug Stanhope.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn’t afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? ~ Doug Stanhope.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Funniest Doug Stanhope Quotes

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know – and that terrifies me. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I don’t know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here. ~ Doug Stanhope.


I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don’t you? It’s sad. I’ve lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It’s sad to see ’em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy’s key ring, it’s like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse. ~ Doug Stanhope.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. ~ Doug Stanhope.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day. ~ Doug Stanhope.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn’t quite happen. ~ Doug Stanhope.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That’s what it’s all about. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Humorous Doug Stanhope Quotes

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you’d have something to look forward to at this point. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Shouldn’t the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment? ~ Dough Stanhope.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people’s baggage. Stop carrying it. Move forward. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they’re ugly. ~ Doug Stanhope.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop’s only job is to ruin the party. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? ~ Dough Stanhope.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Life isn’t for everybody. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. ~ Doug Stanhope.

There’s a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years. ~ Doug Stanhope.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn’t? ~ Doug Stanhope.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I’ve done coke ’til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I go on stage, it’s like I’m leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you’re going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Top Doug Stanhope Quotes

Life’s temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I’m forty four; I’m way closer to dead than I am life of the party. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week. ~ Doug Stanhope.

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in. ~ Doug Stanhope.

You never hear in the news, ‘Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.’ ~ Dough Stanhope.

There’s only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Famous Doug Stanhope Quotes

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing. ~ Doug Stanhope.

There’s a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I’m pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they’re idiots and college wasn’t going to help. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I’ve had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I’m glad I got a hooker last night. ~ Doug Stanhope.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink. ~ Doug Stanhope.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you have a good product. You don’t need to advertise. You’ve done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? ~ Doug Stanhope.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years? ~ Doug Stanhope.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn’t even know you had until tonight. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Witty Doug Stanhope Quotes

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you’re nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Did you ever try to sleep sober? ~ Dough Stanhope.

If I die soon, don’t ever say I died too young. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn’t count cos it’s not really dangerous and it’s too easy to get. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion. ~ Doug Stanhope.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I’m not going to try to talk you out of it. ~ Doug Stanhope.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more! ~ Doug Stanhope.


I’m gonna film my entire life and watch it later! ~ Doug Stanhope.

I’m a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. ~ Doug Stanhope.

Stop worrying about your credits and consider enjoying your day. You die at the end. ~ Doug Stanhope.

So these were 97 top Doug Stanhope quotes, sayings, jokes and one liners.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Lewis Black quotes and Gabriel Iglesias quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar