George Carlin was a stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author from the United States.

He was labelled “the dean of counterculture comedians” and was considered as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians of all time.

His dark humor and observations on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and forbidden issues made him famous.

We have compiled a list of the best funny quotes from George Carlin for you.


Witty George Carlin Quotes on Life, Politics, Government & Religion

1. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ~ (George Carlin).

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2. “Everyone smiles in the same language.” ~ (George Carlin).

3. “Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” ~ (George Carlin).

4. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ~ (George Carlin).

5. “Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” ~ (George Carlin).

6. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” ~ (George Carlin).

7. “Always do whatever’s next.” ~ (George Carlin).

8. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” ~ (George Carlin).

9. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ~ (George Carlin).

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10. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.” ~ (George Carlin).

11. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” ~ (George Carlin).

12. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ (George Carlin).

13. “Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” ~ (George Carlin).

14. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” ~ (George Carlin).

15. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” ~ (George Carlin).

16. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” ~ (George Carlin).

17. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.” ~ (George Carlin).

18. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” ~ (George Carlin).

19. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ” ~ (George Carlin).

20. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” ~ (George Carlin).

21. “Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.” ~ (George Carlin).

22. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” ~ (George Carlin).

23. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.” ~ (George Carlin).

24. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” ~ (George Carlin).

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25. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” ~ (George Carlin).

26. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?” ~ (George Carlin).

27. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” ~ (George Carlin).

28. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.” ~ (George Carlin).

29. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.” ~ (George Carlin).

30. “Religion is just mind control.” ~ (George Carlin).

Popular George Carlin Quotes

31. “What if there were no hypothetical questions?” ~ (George Carlin).

32. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” ~ (George Carlin).

33. “Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.” ~ (George Carlin).

34. “The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are.” ~ (George Carlin).

35. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ~ (George Carlin).

36. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ~ (George Carlin).

37. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ (George Carlin).

38. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” ~ (George Carlin).

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39. “I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.” ~ (George Carlin).

40. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” ~ (George Carlin).

41. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” ~ (George Carlin).

42. “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.” ~ (George Carlin).

43. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” ~ (George Carlin).

44. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” ~ (George Carlin).

45. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.” ~ (George Carlin).

46. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.” ~ (George Carlin).

47. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.” ~ (George Carlin).

48. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” ~ (George Carlin).

49. “Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.” ~ (George Carlin).

50. “They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.” ~ (George Carlin).

Top George Carlin Quotes

51. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” ~ (George Carlin).

52. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.” ~ (George Carlin).

53. “If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.” ~ (George Carlin).

54. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.” ~ (George Carlin).

55. “I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.” ~ (George Carlin).

56. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” ~ (George Carlin).

57. “Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.” ~ (George Carlin).

58. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” ~ (George Carlin).

59. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” ~ (George Carlin).

60. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?” ~ (George Carlin).

61. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.” ~ (George Carlin).

62. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.” ~ (George Carlin).

63. “If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.” ~ (George Carlin).

64. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” ~ (George Carlin).

65. “The future will soon be a thing of the past.” ~ (George Carlin).

66. “We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.” ~ (George Carlin).

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67. “We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.” ~ (George Carlin).

68. “I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.” ~ (George Carlin).

69. “When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.” ~ (George Carlin).

70. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” ~ (George Carlin).

Famous George Carlin Quotes

71. “So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.” ~ (George Carlin).

72. “Surround yourself with what you love.” ~ (George Carlin).

73. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.” ~ (George Carlin).

74. “Life is a series of dogs.” ~ (George Carlin).

75. “If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?” ~ (George Carlin).

76. “I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.” ~ (George Carlin).

77. “The status quo sucks.” ~ (George Carlin).

78. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” ~ (George Carlin).

79. “Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.” ~ (George Carlin).

80. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?” ~ (George Carlin).

81. “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fu*kin’ serious!” ~ (George Carlin).

82. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.” ~ (George Carlin).

83. “People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.” ~ (George Carlin).

84. “If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.” ~ (George Carlin).

85. “I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?” ~ (George Carlin).

Short George Carlin Quotes

86. “I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.” ~ (George Carlin).

87. “Electricity is really just organized lighting.” ~ (George Carlin).

88. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.” ~ (George Carlin).

89. “The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.” ~ (George Carlin).

90. “Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?” ~ (George Carlin).

91. “Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.” ~ (George Carlin).

92. “Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.” ~ (George Carlin).

93. “Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!” ~ (George Carlin).

94. “My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.” ~ (George Carlin).

95. “And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.” ~ (George Carlin).

96. “Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.” ~ (George Carlin).

97. “The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” ~ (George Carlin).

98. “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.” ~ (George Carlin).

99. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” ~ (George Carlin).

100. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?” ~ (George Carlin).

Best George Carlin Quotes

101. “There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.” ~ (George Carlin).

102. “Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.” ~ (George Carlin).

103. “When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?” ~ (George Carlin).

104. “Life is a near-death experience.” ~ (George Carlin).

105. “If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.” ~ (George Carlin).

106. “Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.” ~ (George Carlin).

107. “If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.” ~ (George Carlin).

108. “There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!” ~ (George Carlin).

109. “If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can’t lift it?” ~ (George Carlin).

110. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” ~ (George Carlin).

111. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.” ~ (George Carlin).

112. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” ~ (George Carlin).

113. “Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.” ~ (George Carlin).

114. “The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.” ~ (George Carlin).

115. “We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.” ~ (George Carlin).

116. “The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.” ~ (George Carlin).

117. “We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.” ~ (George Carlin).

118. “There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.” ~ (George Carlin).

119. “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.” ~ (George Carlin).

120. “Tits always look better in a pink sweater.” ~ (George Carlin).

121. “Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.” ~ (George Carlin).

122. “I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.” ~ (George Carlin).

123. “If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed.” ~ (George Carlin).


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