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125 Funniest Nick Miller Quotes for the Fans of ‘New Girl’

Are you looking for the best Nick Miller quotes? I’ve rounded up some of the funniest Nick Miller quotes, sayings, captions for Instagram, and status messages for you.

Nick Miller is the protagonist of the FOX comedy series New Girl. Jake Johnson is his portrayer.

Nick is a bartender from Chicago who is indifferent, socially incompetent, incredibly sarcastic, and amusing. He has a remarkable ability to detect people’s emotions despite his inability to communicate his own.

Jess, Schmidt, and Winston are his roommates.

You will find below a curated collection of witty Nick Miller quotes to read and share with others.


Best Nick Miller Quotes

The sky’s too fickle. It’s a play-place for butterflies. ~ Nick Miller.

I need to eat my way out of a sandwich house. ~ Nick Miller.

I am the stupidest of all the stupid boys. ~ Nick Miller.

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Nothing is ever truly broken. ~ Nick Miller.

You can’t just say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things. ~ Nick Miller.

They’re just boobs! ~ Nick Miller.

I don’t want a refund on my cruise and I don’t want a refund on you! ~ Nick Miller.

Life sucks. Then it gets better. Then it sucks again. ~ Nick Miller.

Leprechauns are real. ~ Nick Miller.

I put on my special underwear because Jess is back because I made a promise I’d be wearing these when you came back. ~ Nick Miller.

You’re a real sandwich lady, and I wanna scream your name across the ocean. ~ Nick Miller.

You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. ~ Nick Miller.

I like chipmunks more than squirrels. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m a very good secretary. ~ Nick Miller.

Funny Nick Miller Quotes

I should have known those beets weren’t from nature. Nothing purple comes from nature. ~ Nick Miller.

Everything you just said makes me want to give you a wedgie in front of the others. ~ Nick Miller.

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I will push if I want to push. ~ Nick Miller.

It’s a weird life, but it’s where I’m at right now. ~ Nick Miller.

I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality. ~ Nick Miller.

No, I don’t dance. I’m from the town of Footloose. ~ Nick Miller.

That’s hot to me. You add some sweatpants to that and that is better than porn. ~ Nick Miller.

I hate doors! ~ Nick Miller.

Look at those horny horny hippos. ~ Nick Miller.

It’s tiles. I’m so bad at lying! It’s for sex! ~ Nick Miller.

Sometimes, up close, art is ugly. ~ Nick Miller.

On a plus side, I’m being very witty during this fight. ~ Nick Miller.

Absolutely not. No! I don’t trust fish. They breathe water. That’s crazy. ~ Nick Miller.

The eyeball fell off, that’s how you know it’s good! ~ Nick Miller.

I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time ~ Nick Miller.

Fantasy and nightmare colliding. ~ Nick Miller.

I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like this much responsibility. ~ Nick Miller.

No part of this conversation is making me wanna boil over with rage. ~ Nick Miller.

It smells like leather, and Teddy Roosevelt, and wistfulness. ~ Nick Miller.

If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called ‘talkings.’ ~ Nick Miller.

Witty Nick Miller Quotes

I’m not putting on the kimono. It legitimizes you owning it. ~ Nick Miller.

I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999 and I’m still using them. ~ Nick Miller.

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably. ~ Nick Miller.

You’re a whiskey girl, like me. ~ Nick Miller.

Pink robes are my catnip. ~ Nick Miller.

I refuse to pay for the weefee. ~ Nick Miller.

Not true. Everything has meaning. Everything is connected to something else. ~ Nick Miller.

I once saw a zebra named Gavin give birth at the zoo, and I cried hysterically. ~ Nick Miller.

I’ve got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms. ~ Nick Miller.

My arms are so sore from doing so many push-ups. ~ Nick Miller.

You’re a terrible person. It’s hilarious. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m like a mailman, but instead of mail, it’s hot sex that I deliver. ~ Nick Miller.

Twenty pages. And they’re all good! Some of them are good. Five pages are good. I really like the title. ~ Nick Miller.

Humorous Nick Miller Quotes

I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life. ~ Nick Miller.

When I first grew boobs, people started handing me stuff and I got messy, but then you gotta grow up. ~ Nick Miller.

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I knew that French was gonna haunt me. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you. ~ Nick Miller.

I’d give you a hug, but my shirt smells pretty weird today. ~ Nick Miller.

I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door. ~ Nick Miller.

You’re a big girl, you can watch Walking Dead alone. ~ Nick Miller.

When you put it like that, it sounds amazing and like prison. ~ Nick Miller.

I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less doughnuts. ~ Nick Miller.

Writers don’t read. We write. ~ Nick Miller.

Everybody has been flashed countless times, right? ~ Nick Miller.

I don’t know what ‘mazel tov’ means, but it doesn’t sound good. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words. ~ Nick Miller.

She is sleeping. By herself. Which is called napping. ~ Nick Miller.

Men of means. ~ Nick Miller.

Top Nick Miller Quotes

It’s like a plant. It needs sun and air. ~ Nick Miller.

Sucks for me! ~ Nick Miller.

I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and or take care of myself. ~ Nick Miller.

Guys, please let me hate myself and everything that I have created. ~ Nick Miller.

Well get ready for the skin circus you little peanut. ~ Nick Miller.

I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer. ~ Nick Miller.

What does a man do about that pain? ~ Nick Miller.

I’m very focused. I thought I saw something shiny. ~ Nick Miller.

Of course we make decisions. How do you think I’m wearing clothes right now? ~ Nick Miller.

Looks like a puppet, like something an Italian whittled. ~ Nick Miller.

Funniest Nick Miller Quotes

I am not watching a kid get circumcised. ~ Nick Miller.

Men don’t talk to people they’ve dated unless they want sex, or they’re Winston. ~ Nick Miller.

Drinking to forget? That’s my sweet spot! ~ Nick Miller.

I want magic – is that so bad? ~ Nick Miller.

I’ve done things. I wrote half a book about zombies! ~ Nick Miller.

You can go to my funeral but you can’t talk. My funeral is my time to shine. ~ Nick Miller.

Why lie? You know how many Millers have been or currently are in jail? ~ Nick Miller.

When I work out, which isn’t often, I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up. ~ Nick Miller.

I stole that from Nelson Mandela. I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler. ~ Nick Miller.

Stop being so mean to me or I swear to God I’m gonna fall in love with you. ~ Nick Miller.

That’s the only thing in the world I know to be true. ~ Nick Miller.

Famous Nick Miller Quotes

If you died, I’d be lost! ~ Nick Miller.

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You’re a freaking gold digger, Jess! ~ Nick Miller.

It’s not gonna end well for these two. ~ Nick Miller.

I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes. ~ Nick Miller.

You got hurt by a hog man! ~ Nick Miller.

I don’t deal with exes. They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon. ~ Nick Miller.

Just be yourself, and if he’s not into Jessica Day, there’s something wrong with him. ~ Nick Miller.

I feel like you’re not meaning to say what you’re saying. ~ Nick Miller.

If I can’t have a kid with a woman, then maybe I’ll have one with my cousin. ~ Nick Miller.

I once tried on my girl cousin’s wool tights and I didn’t hate how it felt. ~ Nick Miller.

We can’t break up if I don’t hear you. No! La, la, la, la. ~ Nick Miller.

I know this isn’t gonna end well, but the middle part is gonna be awesome. ~ Nick Miller.

First order of business – we eat their food. ~ Nick Miller.

I like your hat. I like how it’s not a team or a logo – it’s just blue. ~ Nick Miller.

Inspiring Nick Miller Quotes

Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981. ~ Nick Miller.

You have no standing to veto, it’s my sperm. ~ Nick Miller.

You’re allowed to be happy, but it’s really annoying the way you’re doing it. ~ Nick Miller.

Is calling a girl ‘Shorty’ still cool? ~ Nick Miller.

I look very handsome. I look like I’m on Miami Vice. ~ Nick Miller.

You son of a bitch, I love you! ~ Nick Miller.

Sponges make me feel exhilarated. ~ Nick Miller.

I found an ant farm filled with candy wrappers, is this essential? ~ Nick Miller.

That’s more like dork magic. ~ Nick Miller.

She’s not quirky. She has no bangs. ~ Nick Miller.

Hey! If I cooked up a whole chicken, would you guys have some? ~ Nick Miller.

DeeDee? That’s not a name. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m just telling her what kind of cake to bake me, son. ~ Nick Miller.

I’m perfectly fine to watch TV all day. ~ Nick Miller.

I don’t know if Hogwarts is near San Diego. I’ve never heard of it. ~ Nick Miller.

You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound by drinking alcohol. ~ Nick Miller.

Adele’s amazing. ~ Nick Miller.

I don’t believe dinosaurs existed. I’ve seen the science. I don’t believe it. ~ Nick Miller.

No, we’re adult men. We’re cute. ~ Nick Miller.

It’s not a perfect system Jess, but it’s mine okay? And it’s private. ~ Nick Miller.

Make up an excuse and get out of jury duty. Jess, please, I need you. ~ Nick Miller.

Trust me, I’m wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. ~ Nick Miller.

Just drive the car. I gotta tell my girlfriend that I don’t love her so she doesn’t leave me. ~ Nick Miller.

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I’m a business guy first and a sex guy second. ~ Nick Miller.

A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls. ~ Nick Miller.

I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them. ~ Nick Miller.

I believe horses are from outer space. ~ Nick Miller.


Trivia on Nick Miller

  • Before releasing his book “The Pepperwood Chronicles”, he worked as a bartender.
  • He insists on doing things himself since he dislikes spending money, yet he is regarded as a lousy do-it-yourselfer.
  • Nick was born in the city of Chicago.
  • With three semesters left in law school, he dropped out.
  • Mason and Charles are the names of his grandfathers.
  • Nick had been seeing Caroline for four years and was heartbroken when they broke up.
  • When he lies, he sweats profusely.
  • He is very protective of Jess.
  • He doesn’t think the moon landing took place.
  • Nick isn’t a dinosaur believer.
  • Nick doesn’t have a wallet.

So these were the 125 top Nick Miller quotes that are funny, hilarious and witty.

Tell me in the comments section, which Nick Miller quotes were your favorite?

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Kamala Harris quotes and Glennon Doyle quotes.

You are welcome to share these quotes, sayings, lyrics, messages, and captions with your family and friends on WhatsApp, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest and inspire them to take their life to the next level and achieve greatness and success!


Chandan Negi

I’m Chandan Negi, the Founder of Internet Pillar. I love sharing quotes and sayings to inspire and motivate people.
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