Are you looking for the best Rodney Dangerfield quotes and jokes? I’ve rounded up some of the funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes, sayings, captions for Instagram, and status messages for you.

Rodney Dangerfield was an actor, producer, screenwriter, musician, and novelist from the United States. He was famous for his self-deprecating one-liners, such as “I don’t get no respect!” and his monologues on the subject.

With his ribald, in-your-face comedy, Rodney Dangerfield had captivated his fans. Dangerfield died on October 6, 2004, leaving a vacuum in the entertainment industry.

You will find below a curated collection of popular Rodney Dangerfield quotes to read and share with others.


Best Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I am the world’s oldest teenager. I’ve never lost my youthful attitude. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynecologist firmly believes I am. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I can’t get no respect. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex – my wife screwed in front of the jury. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Funny Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Rodney Dangerfield Quote: I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no. ~ Rodney Dangerfield. 6 0

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no’. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Hilarious Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Boy what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel! ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope! ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Funniest Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Humorous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My mom took me to a dog show and I won!! ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m a downer. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Figure it out. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

A hooker once told me she had a headache. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Top Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I have three kids, one of each. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bull’s eye on the back. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone! ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Ultimate Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “don’t tell the butcher”! ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife gives good headache. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Witty Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

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Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. ~ Rodney Dangerfield.


So these were the 120 top Rodney Dangerfield quotes, jokes, captions and one-liners.

Tell me in the comments section, which Rodney Dangerfield quotes were your favorite?

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Mitch Hedberg quotes and Tyler The Creator quotes.

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