105 Funny Steve Martin Quotes from the Iconic Comedy Actor

American comedian, writer and producer Steve Martin, born on August 14, 1945, began his journey in comedy as a stand-up artist.

A student of theatre at the University of California at Los Angeles, Martin developed his skills as a performer at Disneyland.

His writing career took off with the hit television show The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, earning him an Emmy Award.


Martin’s comedic breakthrough came with an appearance on Saturday Night Live, leading to national fame and popular catchphrases.

His comedy albums earned Grammy Awards and he made a successful transition into film with classics like “The Jerk” and “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid”.

Related: Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings and Bob Hope Quotes, Jokes, One Liners and Sayings from Great Comedian

Martin’s writing endeavors included plays, satiric articles for The New Yorker and novels. His musical talents shone through his Grammy-winning banjo compositions.

An honorary Oscar recipient and host of the Academy Awards, Martin’s illustrious career crosses the boundaries of stand-up, television, film, literature and music.

I have selected the best quotes by Steve Martin below.

Best Steve Martin Quotes


I am a wild and crazy guy! ~ Steve Martin.

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything. ~ Steve Martin.

Hosting the Oscars is something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. ~ Steve Martin.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin.

Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. ~ Steve Martin.

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American. ~ Steve Martin.

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol. ~ Steve Martin.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is. ~ Steve Martin.

I could never be a woman, ’cause I’d just stay home and play with my breasts all day. ~ Steve Martin.

If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much. ~ Steve Martin.

I actually learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. And it was good. Go ahead and laugh. I think the most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg, no matter how hard she tries to shake you off. ~ Steve Martin.

You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies. ~ Steve Martin.

You know when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener! ~ Steve Martin.

I just downloaded eleven hundred books onto my Kindle, and now I can’t lift it. ~ Steve Martin.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot. ~ Steve Martin.

Top Steve Martin Quotes

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. ~ Steve Martin.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too. ~ Steve Martin.


Always make room for the unexpected in yourself. ~ Steve Martin.

How many people have never raised their hand before? ~ Steve Martin.

I guess I wouldn’t believe in anything anymore if it weren’t for my lucky astrology mood watch. ~ Steve Martin.

She was feeling her bohemian oats. ~ Steve Martin.

It’s like painting the same blank canvas over and over and over and over and over. Once the concept is known, you don’t need to see two. And that was in the back of my head, that I was really done artistically with what I had created or pastiched. ~ Steve Martin.

Famous Steve Martin Quotes

Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way. ~ Steve Martin.

I got a flu shot and now my chimney works perfectly. ~ Steve Martin.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress. ~ Steve Martin.

I’m not a human being. I’m despicable and disgusting – but that’s where the money is. ~ Steve Martin.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that. ~ Steve Martin.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes. ~ Steve Martin.

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart. ~ Steve Martin.

She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn’t be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart. ~ Steve Martin.

If you’ve got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you’ve got 71 cents left; But if you’ve got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you’ve still got seventeen grand. There’s a math lesson for you. ~ Steve Martin.

As a school board we felt it’s an unfair expense to families. The lawsuit has a certain logic to it – if you have free public education, you can’t put these things on top of it. It defeats the purpose. ~ Steve Martin.

I’m for the Wall Street Occupiers. But will they accept me when they find out I sell packaged mortgage default instruments to children? ~ Steve Martin.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. ~ Steve Martin.

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done. ~ Steve Martin.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. ~ Steve Martin.

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I’m working at it. ~ Steve Martin.

I will do anything to look like him – except, of course, exercise or eat right. ~ Steve Martin.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87. ~ Steve Martin.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t. ~ Steve Martin.


You can’t really conduct your life by one or two phrases. ~ Steve Martin.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger. ~ Steve Martin.

I have found that – just as in real life – imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience. ~ Steve Martin.

I’ve heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone. ~ Steve Martin.

Iconic Steve Martin Quotes

When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane. ~ Steve Martin.

There’s someone out there for everyone-even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them. ~ Steve Martin.

Teaching is a form of show business. ~ Steve Martin.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. ~ Steve Martin.

There are few takers for the quiet heart. ~ Steve Martin.

I just believe that the interesting time in a career is pre-success, what shaped things, how did you get to this point. ~ Steve Martin.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair. ~ Steve Martin.

Writing is something I took up rather than anything I had an inclination toward. I like acting – delivering someone else’s message – but writing is more of an accomplishment. ~ Steve Martin.

I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That’s getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition. ~ Steve Martin.

The conscious mind is the editor, and the subconscious mind is the writer. ~ Steve Martin.

So, I can hurt now, or hurt later. ~ Steve Martin.

Ultimate Steve Martin Quotes

Be so good they can’t ignore you. ~ Steve Martin.

I was not naturally talented. I didn’t sing, dance or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive. ~ Steve Martin.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper. ~ Steve Martin.

It’s pain that changes our lives. ~ Steve Martin.

The Apple Pie Hubbub was a significant novel for me, because that’s when I first started using verbs. ~ Steve Martin.

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time. ~ Steve Martin.

No art comes from the conscious mind. ~ Steve Martin.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work – that’s OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves… well. ~ Steve Martin.

I was always very shy but as I get older I think, What am I being shy for? You just grow weary of your own hang-ups. ~ Steve Martin.

With comedy, you have no place to go but more comedy, so you’re never off the hook. ~ Steve Martin.

A triangle with four points is what Euclid rides into hell. ~ Steve Martin.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true. ~ Steve Martin.

She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn’t, because he didn’t care. ~ Steve Martin.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. ~ Steve Martin.

As we get older we either become our worst selves or our best selves. ~ Steve Martin.

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither. ~ Steve Martin.

How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her? ~ Steve Martin.

Be undeniably good. ~ Steve Martin.

I can juggle. I started juggling as a kid. And when I worked at Disneyland, I knew a juggler there named Christopher Faire, and he taught me how to juggle. I used it in my comedy act for a while. ~ Steve Martin.

I’ve run into people in my life who were so dramatic; people who are so extreme and so frustrating to be around that you end up thinking about them and talking about them for literally years after your experience with them is over. ~ Steve Martin.

Witty Steve Martin Quotes

I have no fear, no fear at all. I wake up, and I have no fear. I go to bed without fear. Fear, fear, fear, fear. Yes, ‘fear’ is a word that is not in my vocabulary. ~ Steve Martin.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them. ~ Steve Martin.

It’s not tipping I believe in. It’s over-tipping. ~ Steve Martin.

I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden. ~ Steve Martin.

The banjo is such a happy instrument – you can’t play a sad song on the banjo – it always comes out so cheerful. ~ Steve Martin.

I really enjoy finding the right word, creating a good, flowing sentence. I enjoy the rhythm of the words. ~ Steve Martin.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. ~ Steve Martin.

The greatest thing you can do is surprise yourself. ~ Steve Martin.

Women have choices, and men have responsibilities. ~ Steve Martin.

Love is a promise delivered already broken. ~ Steve Martin.

Funny Steve Martin Quotes

It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts. ~ Steve Martin.

Nothing I do is done by popular demand. ~ Steve Martin.

My problem is that I don’t get the same exhilaration from success as I get depression from failure. ~ Steve Martin.

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work. ~ Steve Martin.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be. ~ Steve Martin.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was… an arctic wilderness. ~ Steve Martin.

I think communication is so firsbern. ~ Steve Martin.

I cannot smell mothballs because it’s so difficult to get their little legs apart. ~ Steve Martin.

I’ve decided to take up smoking, my doctor said I wasn’t getting enough tar. ~ Steve Martin.

As much as I remember, I just thought, I want to sing a song that starts normal and ends crazy. ~ Steve Martin.

Home to me is when someone comes up to me and says, Can I get a selfie?” No. It’s where your wife and your family are. It’s the emotional place where you feel like you’re not away from it. ~ Steve Martin.

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead. ~ Steve Martin.

Humorous Steve Martin Quotes

A father carries pictures where his money used to be. ~ Steve Martin.

You kill me and I’ll see that you never work in this town again. ~ Steve Martin.

I don’t really manage my time. I really just wait until I’m inspired to do something. And when I’m inspired to do something, it just happens. ~ Steve Martin.


How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. ~ Steve Martin.

I’m always looking for something to engage my imagination and take me on a little mental voyage. I just want a new topic in my life. ~ Steve Martin.

Always do business as if the person you’re doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he’s not, you can be pleasantly surprised. ~ Steve Martin.

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life. ~ Steve Martin.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. ~ Steve Martin.

So these were the 105 top Steve Martin quotes that are really funny and hilarious.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on Luna Lovegood quotes and Howard Schultz quotes.

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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar