John Mulaney is a stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer from the United States.
John Mulaney Quotes to Jumpstart Your Day
I like to pace onstage. ~ John Mulaney.
I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’ ~ John Mulaney.
Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy. ~ John Mulaney.
Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome. ~ John Mulaney.
It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You almost have more control. ~ John Mulaney.
People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done. ~ John Mulaney.
Things don’t exist until they exist. ~ John Mulaney.
I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table. ~ John Mulaney.
It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, “Yeah, you should be nervous.” Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, “Relax. Shut up.” And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy. ~ John Mulaney.
Most open-mic experiences I had were okay. ~ John Mulaney.
The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four stars because it was accomplished. ~ John Mulaney.
If someone had written a review saying, ”Oh, Hello’ is stupid,’ we would have said, ‘Yeah, it is. You’re absolutely right.’ That people liked it was extremely cool. ~ John Mulaney.
I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.’ ~ John Mulaney.
I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the ’80s. Every comedian. ~ John Mulaney.
My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. ~ John Mulaney.
Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for. ~ John Mulaney.
In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. ~ John Mulaney.
Best John Mulaney Quotes
Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken. ~ John Mulaney.
Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town. ~ John Mulaney.
I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. ~ John Mulaney.
I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. ~ John Mulaney.
I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.’ ~ John Mulaney.
Being president looks like the worst job in the world. ~ John Mulaney.
Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti – those were the people I was always doing open mics with. ~ John Mulaney.
It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. ~ John Mulaney.
You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. ~ John Mulaney.
As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert. ~ John Mulaney.
I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ~ John Mulaney.
I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. ~ John Mulaney.
Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after him were the biggest political stories you could ever imagine. I remember when the ‘Starr Report’ was published in the newspaper, all of us were reading it in the high-school cafeteria, and a dean started taking the newspapers away from us. ~ John Mulaney.
Funny John Mulaney Quotes
I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster. ~ John Mulaney.
I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. ~ John Mulaney.
I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream? ~ John Mulaney.
I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else. ~ John Mulaney.
I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. ~ John Mulaney.
There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can. ~ John Mulaney.
It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 – and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. ~ John Mulaney.
I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny. ~ John Mulaney.
I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that.’ ~ John Mulaney.
You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. ~ John Mulaney.
Top John Mulaney Quotes
I’ve seen most of the major, important shows, but I watch them all at once, like movies, so my TV relationships are still with shows like ‘Law And Order: SVU,’ ‘Shark Tank,’ and HGTV. ~ John Mulaney.
I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it. ~ John Mulaney.
The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. ~ John Mulaney.
I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be. ~ John Mulaney.
In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it. ~ John Mulaney.
I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. ~ John Mulaney.
Famous John Mulaney Quotes
All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. ~ John Mulaney.
My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. ~ John Mulaney.
I always wanted it to be multi-cam from the beginning. In the first seeds of the idea, I wanted a live audience, multi-cam show. That was very important for me. ~ John Mulaney.
I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting. ~ John Mulaney.
Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. ~ John Mulaney.
I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well. ~ John Mulaney.
If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. ~ John Mulaney.
I plan to join the ‘SNL’ band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I’ll be sure to look right into camera. ~ John Mulaney.
I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. ~ John Mulaney.
I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch. ~ John Mulaney.
When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. ~ John Mulaney.
It’s important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. ~ John Mulaney.
Sometimes I – with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m -‘ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over.’ ~ John Mulaney.