35 Funny American Quotes to Make You Laugh

Are you looking for a good laugh? Look no farther than these funny American quotes!

From renowned comedians to astute politicians, Americans have an uncanny ability to convert a good word into a hilarious joke.

Humoring oneself has long been a tradition among Americans.


American comedy is renowned worldwide.

Top 10 Funny American Quotes


All people are born alike. Except Republicans and Democrats. ~ Groucho Marx.


It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ~ Marilyn Monroe.


I do feel more myself in America. I can regress there, and they have roller coaster parks. ~ Alan Rickman.


I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over my freedom ringing. ~ Unknown.


In America you can say anything you want, as long as it doesn’t have any effect. ~ Paul Goodman.


I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American – you know, you grow. ~ George Carlin.


All great change in America begins at the dinner table. ~ Ronald Reagan.


In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world, it’s a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich.


It’s Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas. ~ Stephen Colbert.


As a New Yorker, I’m someone who lives on an island and looks across to America. ~ Laurie Anderson.

Other Quotes For You: 53 Funny Shopping Quotes to Make You Smile and 57 Funny Friendship Quotes for Best Friends

Famous Funny American Quotes

March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’ ~ Bill Maher.


If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it. ~ Stephen Colbert.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. ~ George Carlin.


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. ~ Woody Allen.

Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~ George Will.

Best Funny American Quotes


We’re Americans! Do you know what that means? It means our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. ~ Bill Murray.

My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbour, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love. ~ Yakov Smirnoff.


Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic. ~ Dan Rather.

Ninety-eight per cent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other two percent have to generate their own sex and violence. ~ Franklin P. Jones.


That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. ~ George Carlin.

America’s family. We all yell at each other, and it all works out. ~ Louis C.K.

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning. ~ Jon Stewart.


I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. ~ Zsa Gabor.

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day, Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts. ~ Bill Maher.


We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to s*it. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a f**king lactose intolerance?! ~ Chris Rock.


In America, anyone can become President. That’s the problem. ~ George Carlin.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. ~ Jackie Mason.

Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. ~ Jim Rohn.


When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. ~ George Carlin.

My fellow Americans, we are and always will be a nation of immigrants. We were strangers once, too. ~ Barack Obama.


In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard. ~ Demetri Martin.

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~ Lily Tomlin.

Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest! ~ Chris Rock.

So these were the 35 top quotes about Funny American.

If you like these quotes and sayings, then you can also read my other posts on American Pride quotes and Proud to be an American quotes.

Sources and References:

  1. 101 Funny Quotes — Hilarious Quotes to Make You Laugh
  2. 100 Funniest Quotes from the Past 100 Years
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Chandan Negi
Chandan Negi

I’m the Founder of Internet Pillar - I love sharing quotes and motivational content to inspire and motivate people - #quotes #motivation #internetpillar